this is how i am feeling today...

how habit change can give you a calmer inbox

for those who spend any time with me these days, you know that i'm a bit obsessed with the science of habits.  as i create my own health coaching business, i need to look very honestly at why people know what is good for themselves and still choose to do other things.  i'm finding that it all comes down to our ingrained harmful habits and creating easeful ways to shift them into new, helpful habits. to practice, i'm getting to work with an amazing and frustrating subject--myself! 

over the past year, i've shifted some habits quite beautifully. now i get up before the sun rises each morning and eat dinner before it goes down.  i've cut way down on sugar, meat, dairy, and grain and love eating a mostly plant-based diet.  i start my mornings with meditation or journaling, which is everything to me.  

other habits have been harder to implement but they are starting to take hold. after struggling for months with the fear of being old spinster lady,  i'm in bed by 930/10pm most nights of the week and have to admit that the results are awesome. i have way more energy during the day to interact with the world and still feel like my vital 32 year-old self. 

and alas, there are some habits that i will work with for a while longer.  every time i drink a cup of coffee and feel the jitteriness take hold in my nervous system, i swear it's the last time.  but the problem is that i love everything else about it, even though i know it's not good for me.  i write this having just finished a cup of coffee and feel ok to dance with that one a bit longer. 

a habit that i've also struggled with is how i maintain my email inbox. for a long time, every time i was sent something to read that looked awesome, i would star it to read later. the problem was that later time never came.  i would let those emails pile up and eventually have to delete them all without reading them. i hopes of avoiding dooming these emails to stardom, i would often try to read something quickly on my iphone--sometimes at stoplights.  but i obviously this was not effective for enjoying the process and learning from the words.  

so the new habit i'm working on is giving myself 1-2 hours during the weekend to just read from my inbox.  my sunday morning schedule has been to go jogging with poncho, shower, eat a solid breakfast, and make a warm drink (yeah sometimes coffee). then i sit in a comfy spot with no pressures on my time. 

it's a win-win new habit.  during my week, every time i'm sent an big email, i just star it and feel totally relaxed that i'll get to it.  plus now, during my reading time, it feels totally decadent and educational.  during yesterday's reading session, i pulled out a few quotes from the brilliance that gets sent directly to my inbox so you can share in the fruits of this new habit too. 

***

"Look around. Outside of the natural world, everything you see has been thought of by a human, designed by a human, or made by a human. Spectacular, no? We never meet the majority of people who touch our lives, but knowing that almost every part of our day is possible because of what another human being dreamt up is totally breathtaking." -- Dr. Danielle Dowling

***

"When you look at someone who has achieved something you aspire to, it is easy to assume they have always been there or were destined to get there eventually. But this is almost never true. Instead, it typically means that they started before you, and are therefore further along on the journey. I gave up dieting in 2007 and have been slowly but steadily optimizing my healthstyle ever since. I don’t have any magical abilities, I’ve just been working at it for a long time and continue to improve every year." -- Darya Rose

***

"The greatest thing about love, I believe, is that it’s the most democratic of human experiences. Anybody can do it, and just about everybody does it (with the exception of sociopaths). What some of us forget to value or recognize is that even if we aren’t doing it in a romantic way, we’re doing it in other ways—and doing it well." -- Leigh Newman

***

"The truth is, you're free. You're free to work hard or slack off. You're free to abandon your children or take tender care of them. You're free to buy a weapon and do something terrible, or tell the truth and do something brave.

The truth is, you can do whatever the hell you want.

The sooner you realize that, the sooner you can make choices that really line up with what you want and what you value.

What's interesting is that when you switch your language, suddenly some of the things that you used to tell yourself you 'had' to do won't seem as onerous. You'll realize that you're freely choosing to do them because you like the result you get, even if you don't enjoy the process very much. " -- Anna Kunnecke

***

"Try to imagine what it would be like to live without any conditioning at all. You might feel the way an alien creature, raised in another universe, might feel if he was suddenly dropped onto Earth. Everything would be a wonder. A mouse running out from the bedroom would be a wonder. And if I’m honest, I did experience excitement and joy, along with nervousness, when I saw the mouse this morning. Had I been conditioned differently, I might have believed that a mouse in one’s room indicates good luck for the next year, or that I will come into a lot of money. Who knows!

With mindful eyes, I can see that a small beige creature moving along the floor is just a small beige creature moving along the floor. In that moment, she has the potential to be anything or do anything because she is not limited by my mind’s labels and categories. Maybe she will stop, turn around, and tell me about her most recent trip to the moon. Just because it hasn’t happened before, doesn’t mean it can’t happen, just that it hasn’t happened yet." -- Annie Mahon

***

"Because I write both poetry and fiction, and have never built a wall between the two, my desire has always been to blur the line between the more established forms. Writers who do this well tend to fascinate me. But they’re rare, I think, in part because of the way poetry gets overlooked in American culture. Poetry is basic to human beings, our love for it is deeply embedded in us, but there’s the sense at this moment that most people get it from other genres—popular song, hip-hop, rap. People argue about this—someone once told Paul Simon that he wrote poetic lyrics, and he said, “No, poetry is Wallace Stevens”—and yet songwriters like Bob Dylan, Bruce Springsteen, and some hip-hop artists doclearly channel elements of poetry. In fiction, though, the poetic impulse is usually relegated to the end of the story, in the epiphanic moment we’ve come to expect since Joyce. At the end of a typical epiphany story, you do sense this sudden gearshift from the narrative to the lyrical; you start to feel that poetry is suddenly at work within the prose. But it’s usually because something big has happened that generates and justifies the gear change—poetry is warranted in these moments of extreme emotion, but otherwise its regulated to the sidelines of much of American fiction." -- Stuart Dybek

***

"I don’t make up marvelous tales. I only try to express — as clearly as possible — the thoughts and feelings many people have. Often my subjects are the simplest things in the world: joy, family, the weather, houses, streets. Nothing fancy. And when I sit down with these subjects my aim is clarity. I’m really trying to clear some of the muddle from my own brain — my brain being a very muddled place indeed. Sometimes I think my whole professional life has been based on this hunch I had, early on, that many people feel just as muddled as I do, and might be happy to tag along with me on this search for clarity, for precision." -- Zadie Smith, please read her whole speech on storytelling, so wonderful. 

the pain behind the pose

one of my favorite surprises of adult life has been making new friends that feel just like old friends. i'd heard about katie randall before we actually met because she is an RPCV and a yoga instructor (i've found there aren't too many of us out there).  then she asked me to join a ladies discussion group to dive into a great big text of female empowerment called "Women Who Run with Wolves." we choose one chapter a month, which is rich like a slice of quality chocolate cake, and meet on sunday evenings. our talks have been winding, juicy excavations into the nature of female.  we ask more questions than find answers and share what is really going on and how we really feeling about it.  in sanskrit there is a word called "spanda" which means a divine pulsation of energy and i feel it in our midst when we are sharing who we really are and who we really think we could be.

due to some inspiration from another amazing teacher of mine, i've been thinking a lot lately about the quality of conversations in my life and how my finest work could be to get myself into the best conversations possible.  i want to be part of a conversation that leaves both people feeling touched by the hands of brighter and more.  while leading a recent yoga retreat, it was too wet from spring rain to make the campfires we had planned.  instead, both nights of the weekend our small group of women retreated to a circle of puffed armchairs. we drank tea and shared with honesty about our own rambling quests and the ways we had learned to give our lives meaning.  during the closing circle, most people listed our impromptu circles as one of their favorite parts of the weekend.

i'm finding that kind of conversation takes a lot of vulnerability and deep listening and i'm not always capable of it.  i can't remember where, but recently i heard physical asana practice described as the practice of intimacy with yourself.  god that feels so true to me.  despite many intentions to just be present with my body + breath while i practice, my active mind can be so resistant to just really being there with myself.  the spaciousness of feeling into my tight left hip and the power of deep diaphragmatic breathing can be a scary place when it stirs up some stored emotional energy.  my ego mind makes it clear that it would rather think about other things and will run away very quickly when threatened if i'm not focused.

of course, i see this reflected off the mat, when i'm resistant to just listening to another person without agenda.  i find this is particularly hard when they are sharing tough emotions, as a few of my friends have been experiencing this week.  my instinct is to tell them what needs to be done or compare it to my own life, but i truly know there is power in just listening with compassion.  fully experiencing that power requires a lot of intimacy.  just like in my yoga practice, when i find myself getting distracted with what needs to be said or heard, i breathe and surrender into the wisdom of the present moment.  this practice reminds me that i don't always need to be in control or have the answers.  when i can do that--oooh, everything changes and the most transformational conversations arise.

so katie--who is studying yoga therapy and will change the world with it--asked me to be part of her project called "The Pain Behind the Pose" and of course i wanted to be part of this conversation.

here's an excerpt from her project description:

The Pain Behind The Pose is all that lies behind the physical expression of yoga.  We know when we step onto our mat that what happens in our physical bodies is a small feat compared to what happens within. Sensations are felt, emotions lit, stories told, thoughts flood, no matter how long you’ve practiced, no matter how strong your physical form.  We as individuals experience being in asana differently due to differences in body structure, past experience, stressors, injury, muscle strength, and so on.  This collective project is a culmination of yogis and yoginis that share their story behind the pose. I envision for us to expose the realness that so often is tucked away, or kept to ourselves, perhaps rejecting in the embrace of the pose.  This experience can be so powerful to each of us on an individual level, and my belief is its power being strengthened that much more by sharing our stories. 

here is my submission:

I choose the pose Warrior II because you can't get through a beginners yoga class without doing it and because it's simple and really hard at the same time.  My main challenge in this pose is really finding the true width of my feet so that my knee can bend right over my ankle while I experience the powerful sensations of a warrior pose. The temptation is always to shorten my stance so my knee can go over my ankle and I don't have to really go into all of that feeling in my hips and front quadricep. When I do find my true stance and am asked to hold it for a while, I tremble all over the place and sweat like a mad lady.  My brain goes into panic and all I can do to stay present is a deep ugayi breath.  When I come out of the pose, I feel a deep sense of release on every level of my being. 

In the archetypical mythology of the warrior poses, there is a order.  Warrior I represents the looking ahead and evaluation of what needs to be done.  Isn't it amazingly strong to just observe before taking action?  Warrior II opens up into the pose where appropriate action is planned and prepared.  Planning for action is so important and something I've always struggled with so it's no surprise this one is the hardest for me.  Warrior III balance is the moment of leaping into that action with the support of the universe behind you.  I was wobbly at this pose for years, but now that I've worked through the other warrior poses I am much more stable.

How can I not equate this to my own life?  For many years, my perfectionist tendency has been to look like I have it all figured out to any outside observer.  Things did look good, but inside I knew I holding myself back from my true power.  I've held myself back by skipping important practices, with negative patterns of thought and by numbing myself with a number of delicious yet destructive substances. As I walk deeper into my path and find a discipline I wasn't sure I had, I feel my warrior power.  I've observed the world and myself for 32 years and I have some ideas. My desire for my life to have impact--to experience my dharma here--is so big within me that I have no choice but to keep up.  It's also amazingly messy, trembling process that brings up fear like I've never experienced.  Reminding myself that the warrior path is the most efficient way to break through blocks really helps.  Also, knowing that nothing about should be easy really helps too. 

When I first began practicing yoga, I was confused how the warrior poses fit into the non-violent philosophy.  Now I see that it takes a true warrior spirit to be a positive force in this world and that the stages of these warrior poses are a true model of how to live a life a of grounded strength.  I'm still not quite sure what my Warrior III leap will be, but I am quite satisfied to work on the preparation and deep integrity of my Warrior II until that stage comes. 

enlightened lamas and yogic buffets

i went to a meditation training this weekend with an enlightened tibetan lama.  we gathered early in a dupont circle row home on saturday morning--many practitioners, beautifully diverse.  i had just spent a week holding a lot of space for some inspiring women during our amazing retreat to west virginia and then for my family as we go through some medical issues.  spiritually i felt awesome, but physical i knew i was still depleted and i was looking forward to a nice peaceful dive into myself.  then i met these delicious wheat-germ balls.

rather, i met a breakfast spread of all kinds of breads and cookies that were obviously made with love and concern for quality ingredients.  i love this about spiritual potlucks. the problem was that i had already eaten a big breakfast at home of oatmeal and soaked flax and nice butter with a drizzle of maple syrup.  this breakfast was meant to carry me to our lunch break at noon, as my breakfast usually does.  one of my big health changes in these past nine months is that i avoid snacking.  i've found that if i eat three solid meals, my body feels good and my brain feels clear.

in ayurveda, we call this connection between digestion and mental prowess, agni.  it's said that one who worships agni--mostly but not overloading it and giving it time to properly digest intake of food before reupping--will enjoy perfect health.  from my own practice of it, meal spacing is key to my feeling at home in my body and mind.

but i've also had a lot of practice at enjoying buffets and a strong mental story that i will not miss out on good food when it's offered, especially tasty wheat germ balls.  ignoring my first thought to avoid them, i grabbed a ball.  texture-wise it was soft with a nutty taste and a hint of salty caramel.  i praised it aloud and then internally told myself i wouldn't eat another.  then i did. then i told myself i wouldn't eat anything else until lunch.  then i ate some trail mix.

i sat down to meditate and felt a burny kind of feeling coming from my chest.  i've learned to understand this as a signal that my digestion is going off-kilter.  it's especially strong when i eat a lot of sugar.  using my learned techniques, i breathed into it and felt compassion for myself.  then i made a plan to eat a light lunch.  right away, i felt better and sank into a deep silence where i was guided through different levels of internal light and felt the great spiritual power of the lama.

then we had a break and i ate another wheat germ ball and a chocolate chip cookie.  after lunch--which again would be it--i ate another ball, more trail mix, and a slice of heavenly chocolate avocado mouse pie with a date almond crust (again, love you yoga chefs out there).

when i sat down again to meditate, my body really felt bad.  i breathed into it but i couldn't find relief or compassion for myself.  i felt lumpy and right away a story started to pound down on me.  it told me i was out of control and this was the moment where i would gain back all the weight i've lost and along with it lose my mental clarity--all of the benefit of the good habits i had worked so hard to achieve.  again, we were being guided through the different levels of light and i could barely hear the words, because this voice in my head was so loud.

luckily, i know this voice.  i made friends with her during a 10-day silent meditation retreat five years ago.  of course, she had hung around before then, but there was so much other stuff going on in my mind that i couldn't quite identify her as someone that i had to watch.  she's quite nasty, goes for the jugular in my most vulnerable moments, and turns my most positive qualities back on me as shame.  she thrives on perfectionism and avoids intimacy--true connection--at all costs.  i wrestled with her for days on that retreat.  then, within the quieting of my my mind through the meditation techniques i was learning, i realized how weak she was and how much loves she needs. i let her into my heart but took away her deciding power.  

remembering all of this, i listened to the lama and relaxed my mind.  i reasoned that my body would be just fine and i could use this experience to make better choices in the future. i might still choose the wheat germ balls next time, because habits die hard, but all that awareness would be a step in the right direction.  it also seemed like a positive sign that the nasty voice had emerged again, because it meant i was getting to some vulnerable territory in my mediation practice. i've learned that hanging out there is an amazing place of growth and connection.  but it's hard work, especially when i romanticize spiritual practice enough to think i can get through a weekend of silent contemplation without a few tough moments arising. 

after a good nights sleep, i showed up for the second day of the retreat with a healthy breakfast in my stomach.  again, the table was laden with food--lox, bagels, sweet breads and everyone was enjoying them.  i took a few deep breaths, poured some chai and checked in with the actual hunger level of my body, which was low.  i wanted to enjoy the food but i also wanted to not repeat the previous morning. i stood in that tension until i overheard the retreat organizer say he needed someone to go buy envelopes. i immediately volunteered.  

once i was outside and breathing fresh air, i remembered how the during the previous day, the lama had stressed service to others as being very helpful on the spiritual path.  in that moment, i wasn't sure if i was serving the retreat by volunteering or if they were serving me by giving me a distraction from the minutia of my mind.  either way, walking in the morning sunlight, those esoteric teachings seemed to be applicable and working some very big and human magic in my life.

yes, and...

this is a photograph of the cherry tree that lives beside my apartment.  it's always great to be at eye-level with a big lovely tree but once a year, it's amazing.  for a couple of weeks in the spring, she explodes into cotton-candy blossoms and is just unabashedly beautiful.  this year the blossoms were delayed due to some late frost but when they finally came around, it was more stunning than i remembered.  i spent as much time on my balcony as possible and opened my curtains wide each morning so i could worship her during my yoga practice. it felt like living with a goddess.

then it rained and rained for a couple of days and the blossoms washed away.  i felt like a little kid whose birthday passes and the next day realizes the length of a year.  it's been a rough winter for us in dc, and it seemed unfair that our peak passed so quickly.  but a few days later, i noticed pink buds popping out on other trees that were just as beautiful as the cherries.  but that didn't last either.  one morning this week,  i went for a rainy jog around the catholic university and saw the lawns were blanketed with pink petals.  it made everything quiet and holy. yesterday at the arboretum, the azaleas were in bloom.  one fuchsia one pulled me in so strongly with her color that i stood in awe and silence with her beauty.  she taught me things in that moment.

flowers are beautiful and they are not forever.  they are beautiful because they will not last forever and i know this and it makes me pay attention.  it makes me love them even more.

i'm feeling the realities of change in almost every area of my life.  since embarking on an amazing ayurveda course in september,  i've made big changes to my diet and lifestyle and lost 25 lbs.  i'm slowly getting use to a new body shape, buying new pants that fit and finding my way into formally elusive yoga poses.  in it, i've also met a mentor who is showing me step-by-step how to build a really smart business for myself as a healing professional.  it's deep work that is exposing my professional desire and how much i hold myself back.  last year, i was living with a partner and pretty content with my career, and now i'm a single dog-mom and realizing i have a lot of dreams for what i want to do in this world.

they're beautiful, these changes.  i'm so grateful to evolve and sometimes it's way too much for me.  i came home today after a lovely morning around my neighborhood and was flooded with so many emotions at once.  i did what i always do in those situations and dug for my notebook.  since starting the ayurveda course, i skip my morning pages and meditate instead.  but i've been craving them lately--usually in the afternoon with a cup of tea--and they never disappoint.

after throwing every emotion that i could on to the page, i wrote my way into some clarity.  the message that came through was that i am on the right path.  but being on the right path does not mean it will be easy. the right path has brambles and the right path is decidedly unsexy at times. the right path throws everything it's got in your face and watches intently to see what you'll do.  the right path has no guarantees except that it's the right path.  walking it is hard, kinda lonely and gives me an amazing sense of peace--because i know it's the right path.

change is hard but it's so necessary to evolution.  the people i admire most are ones who are always looking to build something new and become something bigger.  to me, it's not so much about outcomes, but more the thrill of life moving through me into action.  i want this action. i want to feel there has been a path from point A to B and that i could teach others how to walk it more smoothly. i want it all to be continually beautiful and when i can bear to keep on walking straight ahead, it really really is.

Hope you can make it to our retreat on May 9-11th in West Virginia!  It's going to be an deep, relaxing weekend of yoga, relaxation and play in nature.  Contact yoga@em-poweryoga.com to sign up!

Also, this is so necessary for me today...

Dear Brave Souls: LETTING GO

To let go. 
Some have a hard time
letting go of what is no longer,
what cannot be, what is not,
what has never been.

People say
'just let go,
just let go,
just let go'
scattering the platitude like confetti
immediately swept away by any wind.

What is it exactly, this letting go?
No longer allowing the eye
to be caught by the hook...
No longer fastening the lock on the door,
just letting the door swing as it will...
No longer visiting the graves
where there is no love
and no blessing in both directions...
No longer reviewing and reviewing the past,
even the last moment,
as though there will be a test.
There will not be a test, dear soul.

What is it exactly,
this letting go?

Not reading the same chapter over and over
and over and over, futilely attempting
to make the indelible facts be rewritten…
Making new memories of quality
to bathe old scars and new life...
Moving into a larger world
in which the past
is but a dot on the landscape
rather than the only continent in sight.

We all find our ways…
letting go is shaking loose,
letting go is turning
in your great coat, into a new wind
forward into new sky and open road
leaving what cannot be,
and taking all treasure
from the wreck.

Each in her own way.
Each in his own way.

This comes with love. Hang in there. No one deserves to be nailing the hem of their cloak to the crossroad that once was, but that is not now.

--Clarissa Pinkola Estes

i haven't shared a pet photograph in a while and this one of lucky lady caught my eye this morning.  it reminds me of how stinking primal we all really are and the amount of sensitivity that is involved in feeling the world through our senses.  my dog poncho teaches me this all the time.  sure, i can analyze a moment and call it good or bad but he can drink it in through the way the wind smells and then pee all over it to mark it in time someway.  he has his own mastery of the world.

has anyone else been having a topsy turvy kind of week?  it seems like many of us are and my heart goes out to all as we work to find balance within tough circumstances.  the more i endeavor to live from my whole heart, the more i am humbled and the more i am humbled, the more blessed i feel to just be here at all.  i don't have it figured it out AT ALL, but it's still so dang rich.  within the problems and confusion, i feel the promise of solutions.  as i live my way into those solutions--and somehow i always seem to--i evolve and the world evolves alongside me.  i struggle, yet i'm in the flow.

i like embracing this "warts and all" attitude amidst a regime of extreme self-care.  for me, this week, that has looked like early morning deep-listening meditation, buying two big bags of organic greens from the local market, voting for our next dc mayor,  calming oil massage, asking for support from my family and time with my friends that have known me the longest.  sleep also helps.

this may be all the wisdom i have to offer right now but it feels like enough.  oh and this line from mary oliver just jumped into my head so i can also offer that.

I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?

have a wonderful weekend. i love you all so much.