wintery photos for a sunny day

Throw your dreams into space like a kite, and you do not know what it will bring back, a new life, a new friend, a new love, a new country.
- Anaïs Nin

okay with okay

this is a photograph of my beautiful friend laura who just had a birthday. i think she is the bees knees and i am so happy to have gotten to have so many fabulous adventures with her kind spirit.

oh man, i thought 2012 was going to bring some quiet moments but those have yet to be seen. instead i've taken part in a fabulous thai workshop with jenn yarro and a powerful weekend intensive with jody rufty. just when i thought i could dig any deeper or absorb any more knowledge, then these powerful ladies come into my life. it seems that when i am open there is no end to inspiration.

every since the new year, which i toasted in with my people from forever at the black cat, i have felt this deep, unglamourous sense of okayness. it's persisted through these two weeks of a busy schedule, bouts of insecurity and impatience, and my current stuffy-headed cold. it feels like i don't have to be doing anything different than where i am or feeling anything other than where i am feeling and if it never leaves then i would be totally ok with that.

also, the little ditty below is going out to my quiet mind peeps as part of a new years inspiration series that our owner/teacher extrodinaire rita is coordinating. thought i'd share with you quieridos as well.

One of my favorite Buddhist sayings is "How you do anything is how you do everything." The idea of this is that the way we approach the smallest, seemingly-unimportant tasks of our life is a perfect way to look at our entire relationship to life itself. My yoga practice reinforces this by showing me that the way I approach my practice is the same way I am living my life.

On the positive side of this, I am really consistent in how I show up to my practice. Most weeks, I go to the same 2-3 classes and make sure that I get a little home practice in as well. In my life I also see this consistency. I've maintained amazing friendships for decades now and have many repeat clients in my professional life. I can see that I also take myself out of a pose when I feel too much strain or any kind of pain. I am happy to rest in child's pose until the moment when I am ready to rejoin the class. Similarly, I am good at giving myself rest when I see the tell-tale signs of stress in my life (racing thoughts, short breath, sensitive emotions). I've found that the retreat of a hot bath or an hour of my favorite Netflix series (I am watching Felicity again right now--it's just as amazing as it was when I was in high school) does wonders to relax me so I can interact with the world again.

However, I can also see how easy it is for me to slip into my ego while I am on the mat, just as in the rest of my life. I can have a hard time accepting adjustments from other instructors, thinking that because I am also a teacher, I really know best. As much as I don't like to admit it, this is also indicative of my personality. After working in two different non-profits, I saw how much I struggled with being managed. It forced me to make a big change and now I've worked for myself for more than three years. Although I've love my work and schedule, I can also look deeper and see that some of this independence could have been born out of a fear of being wrong and the shakiness of not knowing.

I've been aware of this for a while now which has helped me to be much better at acknowledging my triggers. I breathe through these vrittis (fluctuations of the mind) as they arise on the mat and then choose to lovingly accept the feedback in the spirit it was offered, because there are a lot of awesome teachers who know things that I don't and that is okay. As a result my practice continues to deepen and I can see this reverberate off the mat as well. Last year I planned a yoga retreat to Costa Rica with another friend which involved lots of collaboration and feedback and I found myself being loving the experience of connection and growth.

How does your practice relate to the rest of your life? Do you compare yourself to others? Do you come out of a pose as soon as you start to feel uncomfortable or push your self past exhaustion? If you look deeply, your whole life will be there. Decide what works for you and what you would like to change. Your mat will help you listen to the wonderful teacher within.

goodbye 2011!

this year has been...taking a photograph a day (except for three), turning 30, swimming in the pacific, "love in the time of cholera," tuesday nights with adam, dog photographs, collaboration, kitchari, teaching training, writing it down each month, getting julie and ricki back to dc, madmen, our first yoga retreat in costa rica, komi, learning lots of thai massage, "a visit from the goon squad," champagne cocktails, les mis, acupuncture on wednesday mornings, beirut, homeless yoga, baby photographs, weddings in st. louis, old town, dc, newport and leesburg, fela!, david becoming a lawyer, graeters in cincy, "white teeth," bill withers, make it or break it, teaching lawyers yoga, holidays at deep creek lake, restorative yoga, blue duck tavern, jivamukti, spa world, domku, games, "the gifts of imperfection" and brene brown's great ecourse, ayahuasca in nyc, "blood bones and butter," art shows and selling a painting to a dear friend, lotus uprising, meridian pint, the poetry of yoga, produce boxes, bonnie prince billy, baltimore with adam, sushi in a few different states, great documentaries, krishna das, sister cities, scm kids yoga, too many cookies and chai from teaism, the head and the heart, almost hiking old rag (this year!) and having another great hike, chrissy carter, lunches with my grandmother, jj gray, one year with adam at palena, "the help," avett brothers, good magazine, shiva rea, heymonicab.com, kripalu, abraham in boca raton, manu in dc, yoga photographs, shawn's classes, lots of playtime with sarita, abstract painting and illustrated journels at the torpedo factory, wagtime turning ten, "autobiography of a yogi," julieta venegas, hot dc summer, mild dc winter, having an iphone, 205 reunion in st. louis, mark and rebecca's lovefest: double the oneness, the glut, helado negro, the yoga sutras, em's birthday trip to richmond, lucinda williams, halloween on hobart, christmas in florida, new years at the black cat, great friends, putting the cart before the horse

goals for 2012:

-see live music once a month
-learn to play the harmonium
-hike old rag
-read the satanic verses (recycled goal from last year) and the bhagavad gita
-only eat meat from sources i know and respect
-chart my cycle

my word this year is "music" not just literally but in that i want everything to sing. it was "play" last year and it turned out to be quite the fun ride (of course with a few bumps here and there). what's your word?

florida highlight: seeing jj gray play this song live

merry happy everything

from my new piece in GOOD magazine:

The No-Resolution Resolution: How to Really Be Happy in 2012

In mid-December, I celebrated my 30th birthday at a little Scandanavian restaurant in a quickly-changing part of DC. I was surrounded by great artwork, brightly colored vats of aquavit, and the people I loved most. Throughout the cocktails and the courses of heavy winter food, I kept looking around to marvel at all I have to appreciate in my life. Professionally, I am a decently busy photographer and yoga teacher. I just marked a year and half with my boyfriend (we’re an OKCupid success story). I have lovely friends and a great home and opportunities to travel. Most importantly, though, I feel good in my own skin and confident in my ability to handle the hard times.

It wasn’t always this way. Five years ago, I was going through some serious soul-searching. I was just back in the States after living abroad. Confused about what I wanted to do, I took a job at a dysfunctional non-profit, where I soon felt trapped. I had been single for a while and thought this meant something big about me. I tried to be myself, but each date I went on only confirmed how far I was from having the kind of relationship I wanted. There was nothing really wrong in my life, but nothing felt like it fit.

It took a lot of change to get to where I am now. I got a therapist and a life coach. I got serious about my yoga practice, sat for 10 days on an intense meditation retreat, and took ayahuasca with a shaman in the Peruvian Amazon. I took a lot of risks and was super honest about what I wanted—and what I was willing to do to get there. These days, I still feel fear, anger, anxiety, and shame. But I see these as temporary moods within the larger framework of a life I love.

I want this for us all. Although I am skeptical about most New Year's resolutions—my brother says we just use them to make ourselves feel better after overindulging in the holidays—I think now is as good a time as any to make the changes you’ve been thinking about. These are five ideas that have helped me on my quest to be happier.

1. Put the cart before the horse. The most important—and at times perhaps the most annoying—piece of advice that I’ve gotten is just to straight out be happier. We get so caught up in trying to look perfect, get promoted, be cool, find a partner. All of that stuff is awesome, but it's not going to feel good for long without a certain base of personal contentment. You’re just going to want more and more. If you really think about it, we seek things because we think we will feel better once we have them. So why not just feel better and then see what comes?

2. Dream big and challenge yourself. To me, making a "resolution" feels like a punishment and a chore. I’ve always preferred to think of these goals as "dreams," which stirs up the feeling of possibility for me. There is a special energy and real power that comes from talking about your dreams, even when they sound totally crazy. Around this time of year, I like to make a list of what I really want to see happen in my life. I may not get to everything on that list this year (or even in my lifetime), but at least I can understand what direction I want to be moving in. (If you are interested in learning more about the art of dreaming, check out the online class Mondo Beyondo.) If dreams don't appeal to you, think about your change as more of a challenge. In 2011 I challenged myself to take and post a photograph every day. Taking 365 pictures was fun at times and annoying at others, but in the end I learned that living an artistic life is about doing a little work every day, not just the occasional inspiration.

3. Act small. "Micromovements" is a term used by the inspirational author and dreaming advocate SARK. Twenty-eight years ago she was an unemployed artist in San Francisco who suffered from chronic procrastination. What changed her into the author of 16 bestselling books was learning how to take the first step. Her advice is that if your dream is to write a novel, then your first micromovement could be to turn on your computer. After that you can decide whether or not you want to keep going. If you do, from there you can open and name a Word document. If you decide to go further, then you can write a bad sentence and then maybe another will come. I’ve also heard this used as a way to motivate yourself to exercise: If you don’t feel like going for a run, just put on your shoes and see what happens. The key is to alleviate any pressure to do everything at once. Every project is made up of dozens of small steps that are all pretty doable.

4. Practice. “Practice and all is coming.” This is my favorite quote from Patabi Jois, the father of Ashtanga Yoga. His students—who were mostly Western—would come to him seeking help to escape their neuroses and destructive behavior. He would flash his beatific smile and tell them to go do their practice and everything would be ok. Of course, your practice doesn't have to be yoga. It can be biking or painting or anything that challenges and centers you. My boyfriend spends his weekends experimenting with new baking recipes, pushing himself to get the right consistency and trying again when his cakes fall. The simple act of baking makes him feel good. So what is your practice? Once you figure out what that thing is for you, make a point of doing it a few times a week and notice how you feel within the consistency. Bigger goals and dramatic changes are very real, but I’ve come to see that daily routines are really what sustain me. The best creative work often happens within the stability of practice.

5. Take refuge in yourself. The most incredible practice I’ve found is free-writing for 30 minutes each morning. I learned this from The Artist's Way (another great tool for tapping into your creative talents). I’ve done "morning pages" as consistently for over two years, and they have made such a big difference in my attitude about life. I grew up in a family where I was discouraged from talking too much about myself, especially when I was complaining. To me, there is no comfort that can compare to the privilege of being able to sit down for 30 minutes to write about whatever is going on inside. This writing practice has made me my own best friend. It has shown me that I have infinite amounts of strength and humor if I look for it, and that I deserve all of all of good things that happen to me once I make the decision to get out of my own way. So I just do it. I wake up and write until I feel clear. Then I close my notebook and make a bowl of oatmeal and enjoy my day.

last night i took a much-need break from holiday parties and watched "Pearl Jam 20" on netflix. my first love of music was pearl jam and my first star crush was eddie vedder (such raw emotion! such beautiful bone structure!) and not surprisingly, i was totally into this documentary. twenty years is a long time for a band from that era to stay around and i was inspired by how much they put into stay creative and fresh. hearing their older songs felt like reading the diary of my angsty 13-year-old self and i was happy that i was old enough to have felt like a part of that movement, because i think there was something pretty amazing going in the music and culture of that time.

We meet ourselves time and again in a thousand disguises on the path of life.
-Carl Jung

30 gifts of my life...

1. to have received a human birth--so miraculous when i really think about it
2. i live in a country where i am free to believe and practice as i wish
3. my supportive family
4. my amazing, inspiring friends
5. my boo adam! he's the best
6. my career as a pet photographer and yoga instructor--who would have ever thought that was workable?
7. komi on tuesday! spaworld today! domku tonight! it's a dream celebration
8. the gift of my yoga practice and how it will always be there
9. my awesome house and the best roommates i could ask for
10. that's it's been a really good year for business and it feels good to not worry about money
11. that i always get to learn new things (like my 300 hour training this fall)
12. my health--such a good thing to be grateful for
13. all of my teachers (amma, sai baba, abraham, ayahuasca, pantajali, shawn, chrissy and so many more)
14. my neighborhood! i never thought i could feel so tide into a community living in a city
15. that i teach at the two coolest yoga studios in dc
16. my awesome yoga students--you all inspire me!
17. all of my travels--those that have passed and continued to come
18. the wisdom of ayurveda and how it really helps me to stay balanced
19. good new music (i love kevin courtney's new yoga tunes)
20. family in many forms (my host family in peru, my soul family all over the place)
21. there is always more! and it continues to be so good
22. awesome modes of transportation (my bike and the prius and my two lovely feet)
23. having time to cook great food from affordable, local produce
24. my great photography clients
25. my friends--they deserve another shout-out because i love them so much
26. this blog and the beauty of the internet and how much information, connection and inspiration it brings
27. pachamama, mother earth...how i love thee, thank you for having me here
28. being able to teach outreach yoga
29. the hard times of my life that have grounded me and show me what is possible
30. the biggest gift is that 30 feels so dang good! i wasn't sure what to expect but i feel more like myself than i ever have and so happy with all the celebrations that have occured. i've had some birthday neurosis in the past and little smidges of it in the past week but from the bottom of my heart i am just so happy to be alive today and celebrate how amazing these past 30 years have been and to get to dream about the next 30 and then the 30 after that...