enlightened lamas and yogic buffets

i went to a meditation training this weekend with an enlightened tibetan lama.  we gathered early in a dupont circle row home on saturday morning--many practitioners, beautifully diverse.  i had just spent a week holding a lot of space for some inspiring women during our amazing retreat to west virginia and then for my family as we go through some medical issues.  spiritually i felt awesome, but physical i knew i was still depleted and i was looking forward to a nice peaceful dive into myself.  then i met these delicious wheat-germ balls.

rather, i met a breakfast spread of all kinds of breads and cookies that were obviously made with love and concern for quality ingredients.  i love this about spiritual potlucks. the problem was that i had already eaten a big breakfast at home of oatmeal and soaked flax and nice butter with a drizzle of maple syrup.  this breakfast was meant to carry me to our lunch break at noon, as my breakfast usually does.  one of my big health changes in these past nine months is that i avoid snacking.  i've found that if i eat three solid meals, my body feels good and my brain feels clear.

in ayurveda, we call this connection between digestion and mental prowess, agni.  it's said that one who worships agni--mostly but not overloading it and giving it time to properly digest intake of food before reupping--will enjoy perfect health.  from my own practice of it, meal spacing is key to my feeling at home in my body and mind.

but i've also had a lot of practice at enjoying buffets and a strong mental story that i will not miss out on good food when it's offered, especially tasty wheat germ balls.  ignoring my first thought to avoid them, i grabbed a ball.  texture-wise it was soft with a nutty taste and a hint of salty caramel.  i praised it aloud and then internally told myself i wouldn't eat another.  then i did. then i told myself i wouldn't eat anything else until lunch.  then i ate some trail mix.

i sat down to meditate and felt a burny kind of feeling coming from my chest.  i've learned to understand this as a signal that my digestion is going off-kilter.  it's especially strong when i eat a lot of sugar.  using my learned techniques, i breathed into it and felt compassion for myself.  then i made a plan to eat a light lunch.  right away, i felt better and sank into a deep silence where i was guided through different levels of internal light and felt the great spiritual power of the lama.

then we had a break and i ate another wheat germ ball and a chocolate chip cookie.  after lunch--which again would be it--i ate another ball, more trail mix, and a slice of heavenly chocolate avocado mouse pie with a date almond crust (again, love you yoga chefs out there).

when i sat down again to meditate, my body really felt bad.  i breathed into it but i couldn't find relief or compassion for myself.  i felt lumpy and right away a story started to pound down on me.  it told me i was out of control and this was the moment where i would gain back all the weight i've lost and along with it lose my mental clarity--all of the benefit of the good habits i had worked so hard to achieve.  again, we were being guided through the different levels of light and i could barely hear the words, because this voice in my head was so loud.

luckily, i know this voice.  i made friends with her during a 10-day silent meditation retreat five years ago.  of course, she had hung around before then, but there was so much other stuff going on in my mind that i couldn't quite identify her as someone that i had to watch.  she's quite nasty, goes for the jugular in my most vulnerable moments, and turns my most positive qualities back on me as shame.  she thrives on perfectionism and avoids intimacy--true connection--at all costs.  i wrestled with her for days on that retreat.  then, within the quieting of my my mind through the meditation techniques i was learning, i realized how weak she was and how much loves she needs. i let her into my heart but took away her deciding power.  

remembering all of this, i listened to the lama and relaxed my mind.  i reasoned that my body would be just fine and i could use this experience to make better choices in the future. i might still choose the wheat germ balls next time, because habits die hard, but all that awareness would be a step in the right direction.  it also seemed like a positive sign that the nasty voice had emerged again, because it meant i was getting to some vulnerable territory in my mediation practice. i've learned that hanging out there is an amazing place of growth and connection.  but it's hard work, especially when i romanticize spiritual practice enough to think i can get through a weekend of silent contemplation without a few tough moments arising. 

after a good nights sleep, i showed up for the second day of the retreat with a healthy breakfast in my stomach.  again, the table was laden with food--lox, bagels, sweet breads and everyone was enjoying them.  i took a few deep breaths, poured some chai and checked in with the actual hunger level of my body, which was low.  i wanted to enjoy the food but i also wanted to not repeat the previous morning. i stood in that tension until i overheard the retreat organizer say he needed someone to go buy envelopes. i immediately volunteered.  

once i was outside and breathing fresh air, i remembered how the during the previous day, the lama had stressed service to others as being very helpful on the spiritual path.  in that moment, i wasn't sure if i was serving the retreat by volunteering or if they were serving me by giving me a distraction from the minutia of my mind.  either way, walking in the morning sunlight, those esoteric teachings seemed to be applicable and working some very big and human magic in my life.

yes, and...

this is a photograph of the cherry tree that lives beside my apartment.  it's always great to be at eye-level with a big lovely tree but once a year, it's amazing.  for a couple of weeks in the spring, she explodes into cotton-candy blossoms and is just unabashedly beautiful.  this year the blossoms were delayed due to some late frost but when they finally came around, it was more stunning than i remembered.  i spent as much time on my balcony as possible and opened my curtains wide each morning so i could worship her during my yoga practice. it felt like living with a goddess.

then it rained and rained for a couple of days and the blossoms washed away.  i felt like a little kid whose birthday passes and the next day realizes the length of a year.  it's been a rough winter for us in dc, and it seemed unfair that our peak passed so quickly.  but a few days later, i noticed pink buds popping out on other trees that were just as beautiful as the cherries.  but that didn't last either.  one morning this week,  i went for a rainy jog around the catholic university and saw the lawns were blanketed with pink petals.  it made everything quiet and holy. yesterday at the arboretum, the azaleas were in bloom.  one fuchsia one pulled me in so strongly with her color that i stood in awe and silence with her beauty.  she taught me things in that moment.

flowers are beautiful and they are not forever.  they are beautiful because they will not last forever and i know this and it makes me pay attention.  it makes me love them even more.

i'm feeling the realities of change in almost every area of my life.  since embarking on an amazing ayurveda course in september,  i've made big changes to my diet and lifestyle and lost 25 lbs.  i'm slowly getting use to a new body shape, buying new pants that fit and finding my way into formally elusive yoga poses.  in it, i've also met a mentor who is showing me step-by-step how to build a really smart business for myself as a healing professional.  it's deep work that is exposing my professional desire and how much i hold myself back.  last year, i was living with a partner and pretty content with my career, and now i'm a single dog-mom and realizing i have a lot of dreams for what i want to do in this world.

they're beautiful, these changes.  i'm so grateful to evolve and sometimes it's way too much for me.  i came home today after a lovely morning around my neighborhood and was flooded with so many emotions at once.  i did what i always do in those situations and dug for my notebook.  since starting the ayurveda course, i skip my morning pages and meditate instead.  but i've been craving them lately--usually in the afternoon with a cup of tea--and they never disappoint.

after throwing every emotion that i could on to the page, i wrote my way into some clarity.  the message that came through was that i am on the right path.  but being on the right path does not mean it will be easy. the right path has brambles and the right path is decidedly unsexy at times. the right path throws everything it's got in your face and watches intently to see what you'll do.  the right path has no guarantees except that it's the right path.  walking it is hard, kinda lonely and gives me an amazing sense of peace--because i know it's the right path.

change is hard but it's so necessary to evolution.  the people i admire most are ones who are always looking to build something new and become something bigger.  to me, it's not so much about outcomes, but more the thrill of life moving through me into action.  i want this action. i want to feel there has been a path from point A to B and that i could teach others how to walk it more smoothly. i want it all to be continually beautiful and when i can bear to keep on walking straight ahead, it really really is.

Hope you can make it to our retreat on May 9-11th in West Virginia!  It's going to be an deep, relaxing weekend of yoga, relaxation and play in nature.  Contact yoga@em-poweryoga.com to sign up!

Also, this is so necessary for me today...

Dear Brave Souls: LETTING GO

To let go. 
Some have a hard time
letting go of what is no longer,
what cannot be, what is not,
what has never been.

People say
'just let go,
just let go,
just let go'
scattering the platitude like confetti
immediately swept away by any wind.

What is it exactly, this letting go?
No longer allowing the eye
to be caught by the hook...
No longer fastening the lock on the door,
just letting the door swing as it will...
No longer visiting the graves
where there is no love
and no blessing in both directions...
No longer reviewing and reviewing the past,
even the last moment,
as though there will be a test.
There will not be a test, dear soul.

What is it exactly,
this letting go?

Not reading the same chapter over and over
and over and over, futilely attempting
to make the indelible facts be rewritten…
Making new memories of quality
to bathe old scars and new life...
Moving into a larger world
in which the past
is but a dot on the landscape
rather than the only continent in sight.

We all find our ways…
letting go is shaking loose,
letting go is turning
in your great coat, into a new wind
forward into new sky and open road
leaving what cannot be,
and taking all treasure
from the wreck.

Each in her own way.
Each in his own way.

This comes with love. Hang in there. No one deserves to be nailing the hem of their cloak to the crossroad that once was, but that is not now.

--Clarissa Pinkola Estes

i haven't shared a pet photograph in a while and this one of lucky lady caught my eye this morning.  it reminds me of how stinking primal we all really are and the amount of sensitivity that is involved in feeling the world through our senses.  my dog poncho teaches me this all the time.  sure, i can analyze a moment and call it good or bad but he can drink it in through the way the wind smells and then pee all over it to mark it in time someway.  he has his own mastery of the world.

has anyone else been having a topsy turvy kind of week?  it seems like many of us are and my heart goes out to all as we work to find balance within tough circumstances.  the more i endeavor to live from my whole heart, the more i am humbled and the more i am humbled, the more blessed i feel to just be here at all.  i don't have it figured it out AT ALL, but it's still so dang rich.  within the problems and confusion, i feel the promise of solutions.  as i live my way into those solutions--and somehow i always seem to--i evolve and the world evolves alongside me.  i struggle, yet i'm in the flow.

i like embracing this "warts and all" attitude amidst a regime of extreme self-care.  for me, this week, that has looked like early morning deep-listening meditation, buying two big bags of organic greens from the local market, voting for our next dc mayor,  calming oil massage, asking for support from my family and time with my friends that have known me the longest.  sleep also helps.

this may be all the wisdom i have to offer right now but it feels like enough.  oh and this line from mary oliver just jumped into my head so i can also offer that.

I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?

have a wonderful weekend. i love you all so much.

kapha love

this is my dinner smoothie--a cara cara orange, coconut milk, parsley, avocado, and some soaked walnuts with a sprinkle of cardamon (which soothes the nervous system).

happy spring! in ayurveda wisdom, this is the kapha time of year which means we have lots of earth and mud element in the air (think mud).  this is the energy of cohesion and grounding, so it's a beautifully stabilizing time if you are normally scatter-brained or anxious.  my monkey mind is definitely feeling much more focused in my meditation.  when kapha goes out of balance, it can lead to stagnation and unhealthy attachment.  spring cleaning makes a lot of sense right now, as does cleansing the body.  an easy way to do this is to start adding lighter, well-spiced foods to your diet.  bitter, pungent and astringent tastes are also great.  think dandelion greens and cayenne in your soup or parsley and grapefruit in your smoothies.  i made a salad dressing with lemon juice and mustard today that felt about right.  it's a time to cut back a bit on all but the healthiest of fats, and eat dinner a little earlier because digestion can slow with all the muddy energy.  exercise is important now too.  walk often and fill your lungs (a place where kapha likes to hang out) with deep, nourishing breaths.  kapha is also the energy of an open-heart and love, so spread this around!  give the best of yourself by listening from a grounded place to the people you meet.  you'll learn so much and shine inwardly.  if you need inspiration, read this long but worth-it poem about mother nature by goethe.

Goethe: Aphorisms on Nature

NATURE! We are surrounded and embraced by her: powerless to separate ourselves from her, and powerless to penetrate beyond her.

Without asking, or warning, she snatches us up into her circling dance, and whirls us on until we are tired, and drop from her arms.

She is ever shaping new forms: what is, has never yet been; what has been, comes not again. Everything is new, and yet nought but the old.

We live in her midst and know her not. She is incessantly speaking to us, but betrays not her secret. We constantly act upon her, and yet have no power over her.

The one thing she seems to aim at is Individuality; yet she cares nothing for individuals. She is always building up and destroying; but her workshop is inaccessible.

Her life is in her children; but where is the mother? She is the only artist; working-up the most uniform material into utter opposites; arriving, without a trace of effort, at perfection, at the most exact precision, though always veiled under a certain softness.

Each of her works has an essence of its own; each of her phenomena a special characterisation: and yet their diversity is in unity.

She performs a play; we know not whether she sees it herself, and yet she acts for us, the lookers-on.

Incessant life, development, and movement are in her, but she advances not. She changes for ever and ever, and rests not a moment. Quietude is inconceivable to her, and she has laid her curse upon rest. She is firm. Her steps are measured, her exceptions rare, her laws unchangeable.

She has always thought and always thinks; though not as a man, but as Nature. She broods over an all-comprehending idea, which no searching can find out.

Mankind dwell in her and she in them. With all men she plays a game for love, and rejoices the more they win. With many, her moves are so hidden, that the game is over before they know it.

That which is most unnatural is still Nature; the stupidest philistinism has a touch of her genius. Whoso cannot see her everywhere, sees her nowhere rightly.

She loves herself, and her innumberable eyes and affections are fixed upon herself. She has divided herself that she may be her own delight. She causes an endless succession of new capacities for enjoyment to spring up, that her insatiable sympathy may be assuaged.

She rejoices in illusion. Whoso destroys it in himself and others, him she punishes with the sternest tyranny. Whoso follows her in faith, him she takes as a child to her bosom.

Her children are numberless. To none is she altogether miserly; but she has her favourites, on whom she squanders much, and for whom she makes great sacrifices. Over greatness she spreads her shield.

She tosses her creatures out of nothingness, and tells them not whence they came, nor whither they go. It is their business to run, she knows the road.

Her mechanism has few springs — but they never wear out, are always active and manifold.

The spectacle of Nature is always new, for she is always renewing the spectators. Life is her most exquisite invention; and death is her expert contrivance to get plenty of life.

She wraps man in darkness, and makes him for ever long for light. She creates him dependent upon the earth, dull and heavy; and yet is always shaking him until he attempts to soar above it.

She creates needs because she loves action. Wondrous! that she produces all this action so easily. Every need is a benefit, swiftly satisfied, swiftly renewed.— Every fresh want is a new source of pleasure, but she soon reaches an equilibrium.

Every instant she commences an immense journey, and every instant she has reached her goal.

She is vanity of vanities; but not to us, to whom she has made herself of the greatest importance. She allows every child to play tricks with her; every fool to have judgment upon her; thousands to walk stupidly over her and see nothing; and takes her pleasure and finds her account in them all.

We obey her laws even when we rebel against them; we work with her even when we desire to work against her.

She makes every gift a benefit by causing us to want it. She delays, that we may desire her; she hastens, that we may not weary of her.

She has neither language nor discourse; but she creates tongues and hearts, by which she feels and speaks.

Her crown is love. Through love alone dare we come near her. She separates all existences, and all tend to intermingle. She has isolated all things in order that all may approach one another. She holds a couple of draughts from the cup of love to be fair payment for the pains of a lifetime.

She is all things. She rewards herself and punishes herself; is her own joy and her own misery. She is rough and tender, lovely and hateful, powerless and omnipotent. She is an eternal present. Past and future are unknown to her. The present is her eternity. She is beneficient. I praise her and all her works. She is silent and wise.

No explanation is wrung from her; no present won from her, which she does not give freely. She is cunning, but for good ends; and it is best not to notice her tricks.

She is complete, but never finished. As she works now, so can she always work. Everyone sees her in his own fashion. She hides under a thousand names and phrases, and is always the same. She has brought me here and will also lead me away. I trust her. She may scold me, but she will not hate her work. It was not I who spoke of her. No! What is false and what is true, she has spoken it all. The fault, the merit, is all hers.

five things i think are just great

1.  saturday afternoon oaxacan lunch on a beautiful day with my sweet liz and these nice folks at a communal table at the quasi-legal place that throws you down the keys and serves quesadillas with squash blossoms and tamarindo refresco.

2.  this ted talk about the grapes of wrath and emotional resiliency and the immune system and healing cancer through compassion.  it's helped me to really understand the ayurvedic concept of ojas and how to bring more of this connective, flowing energy into my life when my tendency can so often be to over-plow (burn out) my energetic resources.

3.  this quote from the book i'm reading for a yoga ladies book club called women who run with wolves.  i really suggest checking it out if you feel at all like you've lost a sense of connection to your own depths.  i'm two chapters in and it's rocking my world.

"I'll tell you right now, the doors to the world of the wild Self are few but precious.  If you have a deep scar, that is a door, if you have an old, old story, that is a door.  If you love the sky and the water so much you almost cannot bear it, that is a door. If you yearn for a deeper life, a full life, a sane life, that is a door." 

4.  these bands that are getting a lot of play on my spotify favorites downloads as i drive around this city:  frankie rose, dum dum girls, courtney barnett,  au revoir simone, blood orange, agnes obell, and austra.

5.  this spring yoga retreat i'm leading with the stunning julia romano in west virginia this may.  like the other goddess women i lead my retreats with, it's such a pleasure to co-create a theme, pick a space and know how many of us will be changed by a weekend of really getting to know ourselves better in the relaxed space of mother nature.  last friday morning, my meditation teachers guided me through a deep exploration of how all each of us is is open presence and that by abiding in this presence as often as we can (meditation), there is healing and truth and connectivity.  that same day julia sent me the write-up for the retreat with the title of "practicing presence."  of course it's divine and right and you should totally come.  you can find information on signing up here.  much love!

GEMS

just saw these guys on saturday night!  they are really good duo that filled u st music hall with lots of dreamy music.  plus they both have such excellent hair! plus they are local!  win win win!