The Lover's Manifesto

learn thai massage this weekend at quiet mind!

2012-02-15T10:45:00.001-08:00

getting yummy during a thai training

i love a lot of things in this life and sometimes have a hard time choosing between them. thus, i end up doing a lot! but if i really did have to choose, thai massage would be at the top of my list. on top of being a deep and amazing-feeling massage (kinda like big yoga practice, without any of the effort), the energetic practice of it is so powerful! it's based in the idea that we can give metta--deep friendship love--through our touch and that we receive what we give. after giving a massage, i feel totally open, grateful and full of good vibes.

i've been teaching more and more workshops these days and it's been an amazing experience! people go from knowing nothing about the practice to giving a 40 minute massage within two hours. it's beautiful to witness!

i'm teaching a workshop at quiet mind yoga this sunday from 1:30-3:30pm. there are open slots still left so i'd love for you to join in and experience thai for yourself. let me know at gracy.obuchowicz@gmail.com if you have any questions and you can sign up here for the workshop.

big messy love

2012-02-14T13:07:00.000-08:00

sasha has no qualms about love

Here is my latest piece from GOOD:

My parents divorced when I was 5 years old. Since then, I have been in love with the idea of being in love. During those first rough years following the split, I played house, acting out my fantasy of a happy family headed by a mom and dad. They slept in the same bed, laughed a lot, and never fought. I dropped the game as I got older, but every movie plot and book story line from then on perpetuated the fantasy.

Valentine’s Day encourages us to romanticize romance—to shoehorn our real relationships into the message of a pre-printed card, the vision of a bouquet of roses, the expectation of a diamond ring. But beneath the commercialization, the yearly ritual also affords us an opportunity to reflect on what love really means. After spending years searching for a perfect love, I’ve learned that to me love means embracing difference, discomfort, and struggle as much as it does the rosy version.

Expand your definition. My favorite definition of love comes from environmental activist Julia Butterfly Hill. “Love is not a fluffy thing,” Hill says. “It’s got edges and teeth. Love refuses to play small or sell out.”

This comes from a woman who lived for two years at the top of an ancient redwood tree to protest logging. She’s said that in order to keep herself sane up there, she prayed for all the people she loved. After a while, she ran out of loved ones. So she prayed for the people she didn’t love, the people who threatened her life. She found that loving these people was not only possible, but that this deep forgiveness compels her to continue her work.

What Hill is talking about is that big, universal love—not exactly something you can buy a card about. But I think it’s helpful to translate this to our personal relationships. Romantic love can wax and wane, but holding this big love reminds me of what is most important in life.

Ground love in reality. Even before I started dating, I already knew the type of guy I wanted to be with: tall, passionate, deeply sensitive. When I started looking for him, I was good at the flirtation and the frantic, romantic beginnings, but I buckled under the pressure of making things stay that way. The first sign of flaw in my partner made me desperate for escape.

This summer, while I was photographing a Rhode Island wedding, something big clicked. The couple had been together for 15 years, since meeting at their Jewish summer camp while they were both in braces. The bride gave a speech about how much she and her husband loved each other for their strengths. She went on to say that as wonderful as this was, the most meaningful part of their relationship was that they could also love each other for their weaknesses.

Instead of making love an abstract concept or something you have to search out and find, start to practice it today as best you can. Enjoy what you have. If you don’t have a partner, let your love for you family, your best friend, or yourself be big and imperfect.

Take your time. When I shipped off to Peru to join the Peace Corps, I fell in love with a sweet-eyed, guitar-playing local man. The connection was immediate: we met, chatted, and fell in love within the course of a weekend. I had been restlessly single for six years prior, and had built up the fantasy of what being in love should feel like: intense, perfect, visceral. It was a long-distance relationship, so our every meeting took on a dreamy tone. We walked on the beach, laid in bed for hours listening to music, and talked about traveling, spirituality, and having meaning in life. We looked calm and beautiful in every photograph.

But after a while, we crashed. He got a new job and couldn’t visit or call as much. I started getting jealous and needy for his attention. The more I wanted him, the more he pulled away. We spent the next year rotating through a painful series of breakups and reunions.

When I went on my first date with my current boyfriend, Adam, we ate cookies and took a humid walk in the park. We chatted the whole time, but it didn’t feel like much more than a nice conversation. I had finally started feeling good about my single life, and every date contender had to face off against my ability to stream 30 Rock on Netflix.

He sent me a sweet text message later in the evening to tell me he had fun. I decided to give him another chance. On our next date, over a big bowl of noodles, I felt a quiet stirring in my heart that maybe this was something. It was such a small voice that whispered “this one!” that I am surprised I even heard it.

Get uncomfortable. I’m coming up on two years with Adam. He is stable, supportive and fun to be with (he is also tall, passionate, and deeply sensitive in the goofiest way imaginable). But our relationship is so far from what I had imagined love to be. We have lots of sweet times, but we also have the moments where I feel bloated after eating too much dessert or he is withdrawn and worried about money, or we sit across from each other at dinner with nothing obvious to say. These feel hard to deal with and always make me afraid that something is terribly wrong. But they pass.

A few years ago, two wise, married yogis gave me a piece of advice. They told me that while it’s essential to have honest intimacy in a relationship, it’s just as essential that your partner earns the right to see your struggle. Before Adam, I thought it was good luck or good breeding or even good karma that led to being in a satisfying relationship. It didn’t occur to me that loving another person is essentially an exercise in being ok with being uncomfortable with someone you care about, and not holding a grudge about it.

another beautiful yoga dance

2012-02-13T06:15:00.000-08:00

simple not easy

2012-02-08T12:28:00.000-08:00

nana turns 90!

i have ten minutes until i need to step out into a rainy afternoon and take a yoga class and then assist another. it's not enough time to really say anything except hello and that i miss writing! or maybe there is. i can tell you that good things are in the air and that it was super sweet to celebrate my nana's 90th birthday party with a big pink cake and lots of speeches a couple of weekends ago. also, that it's fun to dance to live reggae on a tuesday night at patty boom boom's and that it's hard, good work to keep your heart open to the people you love. oh and i can recommend this new years post from chrissy carter and the idea that just because something is simple and intellectually understood does not make it easy to do. i keep telling myself that about my yoga practice and the more i say it, the more it radiates out to the rest of my life. just because i know i should love with my whole dang heart and live out my dreams to their fullest and never waste time getting angry does not mean that it's my instinct to do it. that's what i love about writing here. it's a chance for me--as many times as i do forget-- to remember. even if it's only for ten sweet minutes.

wintery photos for a sunny day

2012-01-25T10:14:00.000-08:00

Throw your dreams into space like a kite, and you do not know what it will bring back, a new life, a new friend, a new love, a new country.
- Anaïs Nin

okay with okay

2012-01-15T18:38:00.000-08:00

this is a photograph of my beautiful friend laura who just had a birthday. i think she is the bees knees and i am so happy to have gotten to have so many fabulous adventures with her kind spirit.

oh man, i thought 2012 was going to bring some quiet moments but those have yet to be seen. instead i've taken part in a fabulous thai workshop with jenn yarro and a powerful weekend intensive with jody rufty. just when i thought i could dig any deeper or absorb any more knowledge, then these powerful ladies come into my life. it seems that when i am open there is no end to inspiration.

every since the new year, which i toasted in with my people from forever at the black cat, i have felt this deep, unglamourous sense of okayness. it's persisted through these two weeks of a busy schedule, bouts of insecurity and impatience, and my current stuffy-headed cold. it feels like i don't have to be doing anything different than where i am or feeling anything other than where i am feeling and if it never leaves then i would be totally ok with that.

also, the little ditty below is going out to my quiet mind peeps as part of a new years inspiration series that our owner/teacher extrodinaire rita is coordinating. thought i'd share with you quieridos as well.

One of my favorite Buddhist sayings is "How you do anything is how you do everything." The idea of this is that the way we approach the smallest, seemingly-unimportant tasks of our life is a perfect way to look at our entire relationship to life itself. My yoga practice reinforces this by showing me that the way I approach my practice is the same way I am living my life.

On the positive side of this, I am really consistent in how I show up to my practice. Most weeks, I go to the same 2-3 classes and make sure that I get a little home practice in as well. In my life I also see this consistency. I've maintained amazing friendships for decades now and have many repeat clients in my professional life. I can see that I also take myself out of a pose when I feel too much strain or any kind of pain. I am happy to rest in child's pose until the moment when I am ready to rejoin the class. Similarly, I am good at giving myself rest when I see the tell-tale signs of stress in my life (racing thoughts, short breath, sensitive emotions). I've found that the retreat of a hot bath or an hour of my favorite Netflix series (I am watching Felicity again right now--it's just as amazing as it was when I was in high school) does wonders to relax me so I can interact with the world again.

However, I can also see how easy it is for me to slip into my ego while I am on the mat, just as in the rest of my life. I can have a hard time accepting adjustments from other instructors, thinking that because I am also a teacher, I really know best. As much as I don't like to admit it, this is also indicative of my personality. After working in two different non-profits, I saw how much I struggled with being managed. It forced me to make a big change and now I've worked for myself for more than three years. Although I've love my work and schedule, I can also look deeper and see that some of this independence could have been born out of a fear of being wrong and the shakiness of not knowing.

I've been aware of this for a while now which has helped me to be much better at acknowledging my triggers. I breathe through these vrittis (fluctuations of the mind) as they arise on the mat and then choose to lovingly accept the feedback in the spirit it was offered, because there are a lot of awesome teachers who know things that I don't and that is okay. As a result my practice continues to deepen and I can see this reverberate off the mat as well. Last year I planned a yoga retreat to Costa Rica with another friend which involved lots of collaboration and feedback and I found myself being loving the experience of connection and growth.

How does your practice relate to the rest of your life? Do you compare yourself to others? Do you come out of a pose as soon as you start to feel uncomfortable or push your self past exhaustion? If you look deeply, your whole life will be there. Decide what works for you and what you would like to change. Your mat will help you listen to the wonderful teacher within.

goodbye 2011!

2012-01-02T07:56:00.000-08:00

this year has been...taking a photograph a day (except for three), turning 30, swimming in the pacific, "love in the time of cholera," tuesday nights with adam, dog photographs, collaboration, kitchari, teaching training, writing it down each month, getting julie and ricki back to dc, madmen, our first yoga retreat in costa rica, komi, learning lots of thai massage, "a visit from the goon squad," champagne cocktails, les mis, acupuncture on wednesday mornings, beirut, homeless yoga, baby photographs, weddings in st. louis, old town, dc, newport and leesburg, fela!, david becoming a lawyer, graeters in cincy, "white teeth," bill withers, make it or break it, teaching lawyers yoga, holidays at deep creek lake, restorative yoga, blue duck tavern, jivamukti, spa world, domku, games, "the gifts of imperfection" and brene brown's great ecourse, ayahuasca in nyc, "blood bones and butter," art shows and selling a painting to a dear friend, lotus uprising, meridian pint, the poetry of yoga, produce boxes, bonnie prince billy, baltimore with adam, sushi in a few different states, great documentaries, krishna das, sister cities, scm kids yoga, too many cookies and chai from teaism, the head and the heart, almost hiking old rag (this year!) and having another great hike, chrissy carter, lunches with my grandmother, jj gray, one year with adam at palena, "the help," avett brothers, good magazine, shiva rea, heymonicab.com, kripalu, abraham in boca raton, manu in dc, yoga photographs, shawn's classes, lots of playtime with sarita, abstract painting and illustrated journels at the torpedo factory, wagtime turning ten, "autobiography of a yogi," julieta venegas, hot dc summer, mild dc winter, having an iphone, 205 reunion in st. louis, mark and rebecca's lovefest: double the oneness, the glut, helado negro, the yoga sutras, em's birthday trip to richmond, lucinda williams, halloween on hobart, christmas in florida, new years at the black cat, great friends, putting the cart before the horse

goals for 2012:

-see live music once a month
-learn to play the harmonium
-hike old rag
-read the satanic verses (recycled goal from last year) and the bhagavad gita
-only eat meat from sources i know and respect
-chart my cycle

my word this year is "music" not just literally but in that i want everything to sing. it was "play" last year and it turned out to be quite the fun ride (of course with a few bumps here and there). what's your word?

florida highlight: seeing jj gray play this song live

2012-01-02T07:54:00.000-08:00

merry happy everything

2011-12-30T12:24:00.000-08:00

from my new piece in GOOD magazine:

The No-Resolution Resolution: How to Really Be Happy in 2012

In mid-December, I celebrated my 30th birthday at a little Scandanavian restaurant in a quickly-changing part of DC. I was surrounded by great artwork, brightly colored vats of aquavit, and the people I loved most. Throughout the cocktails and the courses of heavy winter food, I kept looking around to marvel at all I have to appreciate in my life. Professionally, I am a decently busy photographer and yoga teacher. I just marked a year and half with my boyfriend (we’re an OKCupid success story). I have lovely friends and a great home and opportunities to travel. Most importantly, though, I feel good in my own skin and confident in my ability to handle the hard times.

It wasn’t always this way. Five years ago, I was going through some serious soul-searching. I was just back in the States after living abroad. Confused about what I wanted to do, I took a job at a dysfunctional non-profit, where I soon felt trapped. I had been single for a while and thought this meant something big about me. I tried to be myself, but each date I went on only confirmed how far I was from having the kind of relationship I wanted. There was nothing really wrong in my life, but nothing felt like it fit.

It took a lot of change to get to where I am now. I got a therapist and a life coach. I got serious about my yoga practice, sat for 10 days on an intense meditation retreat, and took ayahuasca with a shaman in the Peruvian Amazon. I took a lot of risks and was super honest about what I wanted—and what I was willing to do to get there. These days, I still feel fear, anger, anxiety, and shame. But I see these as temporary moods within the larger framework of a life I love.

I want this for us all. Although I am skeptical about most New Year's resolutions—my brother says we just use them to make ourselves feel better after overindulging in the holidays—I think now is as good a time as any to make the changes you’ve been thinking about. These are five ideas that have helped me on my quest to be happier.

1. Put the cart before the horse. The most important—and at times perhaps the most annoying—piece of advice that I’ve gotten is just to straight out be happier. We get so caught up in trying to look perfect, get promoted, be cool, find a partner. All of that stuff is awesome, but it's not going to feel good for long without a certain base of personal contentment. You’re just going to want more and more. If you really think about it, we seek things because we think we will feel better once we have them. So why not just feel better and then see what comes?

2. Dream big and challenge yourself. To me, making a "resolution" feels like a punishment and a chore. I’ve always preferred to think of these goals as "dreams," which stirs up the feeling of possibility for me. There is a special energy and real power that comes from talking about your dreams, even when they sound totally crazy. Around this time of year, I like to make a list of what I really want to see happen in my life. I may not get to everything on that list this year (or even in my lifetime), but at least I can understand what direction I want to be moving in. (If you are interested in learning more about the art of dreaming, check out the online class Mondo Beyondo.) If dreams don't appeal to you, think about your change as more of a challenge. In 2011 I challenged myself to take and post a photograph every day. Taking 365 pictures was fun at times and annoying at others, but in the end I learned that living an artistic life is about doing a little work every day, not just the occasional inspiration.

3. Act small. "Micromovements" is a term used by the inspirational author and dreaming advocate SARK. Twenty-eight years ago she was an unemployed artist in San Francisco who suffered from chronic procrastination. What changed her into the author of 16 bestselling books was learning how to take the first step. Her advice is that if your dream is to write a novel, then your first micromovement could be to turn on your computer. After that you can decide whether or not you want to keep going. If you do, from there you can open and name a Word document. If you decide to go further, then you can write a bad sentence and then maybe another will come. I’ve also heard this used as a way to motivate yourself to exercise: If you don’t feel like going for a run, just put on your shoes and see what happens. The key is to alleviate any pressure to do everything at once. Every project is made up of dozens of small steps that are all pretty doable.

4. Practice. “Practice and all is coming.” This is my favorite quote from Patabi Jois, the father of Ashtanga Yoga. His students—who were mostly Western—would come to him seeking help to escape their neuroses and destructive behavior. He would flash his beatific smile and tell them to go do their practice and everything would be ok. Of course, your practice doesn't have to be yoga. It can be biking or painting or anything that challenges and centers you. My boyfriend spends his weekends experimenting with new baking recipes, pushing himself to get the right consistency and trying again when his cakes fall. The simple act of baking makes him feel good. So what is your practice? Once you figure out what that thing is for you, make a point of doing it a few times a week and notice how you feel within the consistency. Bigger goals and dramatic changes are very real, but I’ve come to see that daily routines are really what sustain me. The best creative work often happens within the stability of practice.

5. Take refuge in yourself. The most incredible practice I’ve found is free-writing for 30 minutes each morning. I learned this from The Artist's Way (another great tool for tapping into your creative talents). I’ve done "morning pages" as consistently for over two years, and they have made such a big difference in my attitude about life. I grew up in a family where I was discouraged from talking too much about myself, especially when I was complaining. To me, there is no comfort that can compare to the privilege of being able to sit down for 30 minutes to write about whatever is going on inside. This writing practice has made me my own best friend. It has shown me that I have infinite amounts of strength and humor if I look for it, and that I deserve all of all of good things that happen to me once I make the decision to get out of my own way. So I just do it. I wake up and write until I feel clear. Then I close my notebook and make a bowl of oatmeal and enjoy my day.

2011-12-19T08:00:00.000-08:00

last night i took a much-need break from holiday parties and watched "Pearl Jam 20" on netflix. my first love of music was pearl jam and my first star crush was eddie vedder (such raw emotion! such beautiful bone structure!) and not surprisingly, i was totally into this documentary. twenty years is a long time for a band from that era to stay around and i was inspired by how much they put into stay creative and fresh. hearing their older songs felt like reading the diary of my angsty 13-year-old self and i was happy that i was old enough to have felt like a part of that movement, because i think there was something pretty amazing going in the music and culture of that time.

2011-12-15T06:55:00.000-08:00

We meet ourselves time and again in a thousand disguises on the path of life.
-Carl Jung

30 gifts of my life...

1. to have received a human birth--so miraculous when i really think about it
2. i live in a country where i am free to believe and practice as i wish
3. my supportive family
4. my amazing, inspiring friends
5. my boo adam! he's the best
6. my career as a pet photographer and yoga instructor--who would have ever thought that was workable?
7. komi on tuesday! spaworld today! domku tonight! it's a dream celebration
8. the gift of my yoga practice and how it will always be there
9. my awesome house and the best roommates i could ask for
10. that's it's been a really good year for business and it feels good to not worry about money
11. that i always get to learn new things (like my 300 hour training this fall)
12. my health--such a good thing to be grateful for
13. all of my teachers (amma, sai baba, abraham, ayahuasca, pantajali, shawn, chrissy and so many more)
14. my neighborhood! i never thought i could feel so tide into a community living in a city
15. that i teach at the two coolest yoga studios in dc
16. my awesome yoga students--you all inspire me!
17. all of my travels--those that have passed and continued to come
18. the wisdom of ayurveda and how it really helps me to stay balanced
19. good new music (i love kevin courtney's new yoga tunes)
20. family in many forms (my host family in peru, my soul family all over the place)
21. there is always more! and it continues to be so good
22. awesome modes of transportation (my bike and the prius and my two lovely feet)
23. having time to cook great food from affordable, local produce
24. my great photography clients
25. my friends--they deserve another shout-out because i love them so much
26. this blog and the beauty of the internet and how much information, connection and inspiration it brings
27. pachamama, mother earth...how i love thee, thank you for having me here
28. being able to teach outreach yoga
29. the hard times of my life that have grounded me and show me what is possible
30. the biggest gift is that 30 feels so dang good! i wasn't sure what to expect but i feel more like myself than i ever have and so happy with all the celebrations that have occured. i've had some birthday neurosis in the past and little smidges of it in the past week but from the bottom of my heart i am just so happy to be alive today and celebrate how amazing these past 30 years have been and to get to dream about the next 30 and then the 30 after that...

dog days

2011-12-09T08:56:00.000-08:00

a waiter from the wagtime 10th anniversary party

the most beautiful bounty of tat soi that i picked up at the glut

the icivics crew

drew and bill, the team behind fathom creative (where we held the wagtime party--more on thats soon) and the owners of a very cute rescue named mia

wow, it's been so long since i've sat down to write a real post. i've missed it! i've had some thoughts running through my head about how to celebrate exactly where you are--even if where you are is messy and neurotic and the opposite of where you think you need to be. i believe that is where the really good growth and human connection can happen.

yet there isn't time to write all those thoughts down as i had hoped. i'll let them keep percolating and see when the perfect quiet hour to write arrives across the landscape. for now though, i am well and busy and marveling at just how productive i can be when i need to be. i guess that is why being self-employed works so well for me.

until then, here are a few things i have been enjoying these days:

heymonicab.com is a great ayurveda blog that makes it super accessible for us modern yogis. she has inspired me to be one of those people who wakes up before sunrise to meditate and i'm surprised by how much i like it.

"comfortable with uncertainty" the book of short essays by uber-wise pema chodron. it's the most real and accesible form of any spiritual philosophy that i have come across. i've been reading them in my classes this week and oh my how they have resonated.

alt-latino's best of 2011 breakdown podcast. they always turn me on to some cool new work. my favorite is the new album from helado negro, ecuador's electronica version of bon iver.

yoga dudes singing about yoga chicks

2011-11-30T10:52:00.001-08:00

mumuration

2011-11-29T07:33:00.000-08:00

Murmuration from Sophie Windsor Clive on Vimeo.

relax into it

2011-11-23T13:32:00.000-08:00

i love, love how calm and festive dc gets right before a holiday. even a little trip to a hectic safeway on my way home from teaching reminded me that we are all in the same boat of wanting to celebrate a big happy thanksgiving. to me, it's the best holiday. it's centered around food, gratitude, and being with people you care about. while the later winter holidays always seem a bit divisive and crazymaking, thanksgiving is a uniter, an opportunity to get excited about the best parts of our culture even when when times seem tough.

it's also a super good time to reflect on what is working well in life! i've heard someone talk about worrying as asking for something you don't want. i think a gratitude practice is the opposite of that--asking for seconds on the things that make you happy. in an O magazine that came out not too long ago, oprah wrote about the importance of gratitude. she said she used to journal about her weight and men and when she realized could just as easily write about what she was grateful for it transformed everything.

i was thinking in the shower this morning (where i get most of my great connections) about how love and gratitude are really the same thing. we are fed and sustained by that which we value and which values us and the most we can ever give another is our total appreciation. as lovely as thanksgiving is, this time of year of being around family can be hard or hectic for some of us. my theory is that it's because we all want love so much and then show up to get it and get kinda vulnerable feeling and scared and we cover it up through being really busy or aloof or talking to me or whatever-your-family-members do to annoy you. i received some good advice a while back that as a yogi, i have to go first in what i offer out to the world. so on this fourth thursday of november, i offer the idea of relaxing into love and gratitude--even when it's really hard, because it's what we are all truly searching for and so so worth the effort.

i am grateful to and for you all! happy t-day!

heartwarming dance love

2011-11-21T07:08:00.000-08:00

two things that make me laugh...

2011-11-18T13:23:00.000-08:00

are this picture of me and adam and this piece about guys at yoga.

so much good stuff is happening and i can't wait for the thanksgiving break for life to slow down so i can write it all down. in the meantime, enjoy the weekend!

krishna das in the morning

2011-11-08T05:57:00.000-08:00

fist vs palm

2011-11-04T07:22:00.000-07:00

moby came to dc! he had this totally calm, quiet vibe about him.

lovely tricia at dean's backyard soiree

steve and jill got married with baxter by their side

Trust is necessary, because we can only let things happen if we believe that things will work out all right, that events and circumstances and things and situations come from a source that wants our good. We can open our hands and receive these things without the nagging fear that they are traps. The difference between this inner openness and a kind of nervous choosiness is the difference between an open hand and a clenched fist.
- David Steindl-Rast

four years ago, i had my tarot cards read. i didn't plan to do it but i was tired for a hard day at work (this was when i was figuring out that i really shouldn't be working in an office) and i had a half hour to kill before meeting a friend for dinner. i wandered into a bookstore and before i could stop myself, i was sitting across from a normal-looking lady shuffling a deck of cards. she started flipping them over and told me in no uncertain terms that i was clinging. i asked her what that meant and she had me make a fist with my hand. she told me that i was afraid of someone taking something from me so i was keeping it all closed up inside. as a result, i wasn't allowing anyone to get close to me or the good that wanted to come my way. my practice, as she explained it, was to keep my palm open, allowing things to come and go, allowing people to get to know me. i spent the rest of the night opening and closing my palm, trying to figure out if what she said had any real meaning.

as people who read this blog know, a lot has happened in these past four years. i started my own business, grounded my yoga practice, found incredible teachers and traveled around the world and in myself to learn more about how to live an more open, joyful life. for the most part it's worked beautifully. i can honestly say that i really enjoy my life and feel incredibly blessed by how many great people and opportunities come into my experience. yet there are still times i look down and find that i am gripping my palms so tightly my knuckles are turning white.

in yogic terms, we call this aparigraha. it essentially translates to non-hoarding and it usually used when referring to material possessions and i think it hits on the nerve of fear. from my experience, it seems like i least generous when i don't feel like i have enough. it's in my most fearful times that i start getting into a survivor mentality, trying to figure out how long that money i have saved will last if the shit really hits the fan.

and it also feels like a fear of my giving not be reciprocated. i learn this again and again living communally and sharing food. there are days when i feel like i am cooking and sharing way more than i receive. i'll get worked up and then have to laugh at myself the next week when i am way too busy too cook and am so grateful to eat what my roommates have cooked for dinner. again, it's my mind playing tricks on me.

i think this is all really understandable and probably has been essentially to my evolutionary successes, yet the times i have been brave enough to experiment with sharing what i have, i am always rewarded in some way. last week i was talking about the reluctance in letting go of my painting (i sold it at the art show!) and one of the other artists told me that his painting teacher always told him that he should make his work about getting as many paintings out into the world as possible. this artist had just finished a show where he had sold half of his work.

yet deeper than material possessions (although i think the material and the spiritual always connect), lately i've also been thinking about aparigraha in terms of hoarding our good emotions around each other. four years ago, i think what my card reader was referring to was my fear of sharing myself, my true joyful self, with the people around me. it was during a time when i wasn't sure that what was going on inside of me was worth sharing and as much as i didn't like feeling shy and withdrawn, i think there was a big element of self-protection in that. the problem with that is that it set up a really negative cycle. because i wasn't sharing who i was, i wasn't able to really connect with people around me and feel their positive emotions and because i couldn't connect, i even more wanted to hide my good stuff away.

the above quote really hits it for me. we have to trust enough in the complete cycle of giving and receiving in order to be brave enough to share something that feels really scary or vulnerable. once our good comes, we also have to trust enough it in to not sabotage it and actually enjoy what we are giving. it's not a perfect process and i believe that we need to start with small steps around people we care about us. trust is like a muscle, we need to use it continually to keep it strong.

once it gets going though...wow, it's so good. to me there is nothing more exciting than to feel like i am totally in the flow of my own life, giving all i have and receiving more than i ever thought possible. it's so good that when i am white-knuckled afraid and clinging that i again and again come back to my belief in the goodness i deserve and that next step toward letting go.

occupy everywhere

2011-10-17T13:16:00.000-07:00

lots of people in a little space!

at the park with justin and sarita. its always happy happiness with them.

amanda!

sarita gets down on the subway.

Everyone must have two pockets, with a note in each pocket, so that he or she can reach into the one or the other, depending on the need. When feeling lowly and depressed, discouraged or disconsolate, one should reach into the right pocket, and, there, find the words: "For my sake was the world created." But when feeling high and mighty one should reach into the left pocket, and find the words: "I am but dust and ashes." - Rabbi Simcha Bunim

one lesson i've learned about myself is that i tend to care most about the people i know and the places i have seen firsthand. for example, i am always interested in what is going on in peru and more interested in their political shenanigans than i am my own country's sometimes. i think one of the main reasons that i went to isreal in 2008 was that i wanted to understand more what i kept hearing about on the news. after two weeks there i had much more how clarity about how small that country is and how deeply those conflicts run between the people that inhabit it.

so i was excited to realize that i could check out the occupy wall street protests when i was in nyc a few weekends ago. i ventured out with amanda (one of my best peace corps friends who always puts me up on her comfy brooklyn couch when i am in town) to a demonstration in washington square park on a lovely saturday afternoon. it was well-organized, full of people who seemed happy to repeat the short snippets that the speakers were doling out in the human microphone style. after the official park they encouraged us to talk to the people around us about our feelings and opened up the stage for soapboxing. we hung around for an hour listening to people talk about everything from high rent prices in nyc and to how we should just stop paying back our personal debt to make the banks forgive it all.

on sunday we went down to liberty plaza and saw what i had been hearing about on the news. i had been expecting something big and dramatic but in that moment the vibe was really chill. people were laying everyone on the ground, playing guitar, holding signs, drumming, meditating, serving themselves from the ample food line (the revolution will be catered!). tourists milled around taking pictures (me included) of the mass of the mostly younger generation who was occupying the space.

i did not get to spend enough time there to have a real solid view of it, but i will say that it didn't, and still hasn't, caught me as my movement. i really do agree with a lot of what they are saying. there is a definite inequality of power and resources that exists in this world and effects everything about how most of the world lives. i agree that many people on wall street got greedy when they could not forsee their good fortune ever changing and how there has never been real retribution for their actions. it seems really clear that a lot of our country is struggling to stay afloat these days and that it's really hard work.

yet the more i learn about life, the more that i see that our thriving is an individual choice that each of us needs to make. i recognize that most times when i am being the victim, it's because i am not taking responsibility for something that i can actually change. the occupy wall street movement is saying that the higher ups have screwed up and that it's affecting our lives. it's an understandable argument--we are watching the sinking ship of our economy while watching our government childishly muck around--yet i'm not sure how helpful it is to shifting our country to a better place. to me, it feels like being in the energy of the problem instead of the energy of the solution. i kept wanting to hear something that sounded like hope or clarity or leadership or any of the things that would inspire some kind of real change.

while i was there, i was also thinking about last year's march for sanity. i think it was similarly aimless in its goals yet once i arrived on the mall, i immediately felt at home in the midst of the other the hundreds of thousands of people who wanted to make fun of our political and media systems. we came out in masses to stand up and show the world that a lot of our country is well-adjusted and ready to compromise and happy to be americans. it was revolutionary to me in that we weren't fighting against anything--just coming together in the spirit of having a good time and showing the world america's best face.

who knows, maybe i am wrong on this. maybe occupy wall street will grow even bigger and it will spark of positive change for generations to come and i will come to feel a part of the movement. i see a lot of potential for our country so i truly hope so and if so, i will be happy to have seen it from it's beginnings.

***

also, a few exciting things that i want to share:

--i am leading an intro to thai massage workshop at quiet mind yoga this sunday from 2-4pm. it's going to be an awesome session where you will learn how to give (and receive!) a basic thai massage. you can sign up here and let me know if you have any questions.

--if you have more time this weekend then you should stop by the gooDBuddy gallery in my neighborhood. our bloomingdale artist exhibit is being left up one more week and it's worth a view. it exceeded all of my expectations of what a neighborhood art show could be and came together in a really diverse yet cohesive showing.

--and i just found out that "the lovers manifesto" is going to be part of the first volume of the poetry of yoga, which was organized and edited by the awesome teacher and activist, hawah with a forward by shiva rea. it'll be released on 11.11.11 and contains work by sharron gannon, chuck miller, krishna das, tias little and i feel so honored to be able to share some page space with all them.

--as part of my 300 hour training, my lovely mentor shawn parrell asked everyone in our group to take on a new practice. mine has been abhyanga, ayurvedic oil massage. i am amazing by how much i have been enjoying and how it's helped me to feel so much more grounded as we transition to drier, colder weather in dc.

--in the past two weeks, i saw two movies at e street that i loved. happy happy is noweigan and quirky and oddly heart-warming. thundersoul is a great big documentary that honors what music can do to lift us up. i saw this preview too and can't wait.

a few beautiful faces from "double the oneness"

2011-10-06T07:07:00.000-07:00

i don't think words can do mark and rebecca's wedding justice so i am happy that had the ability to capture a few images. they called it "double the oneness" and it was a lovefest, a masquerade ball, a live music mecca, a salsa throwdown, a performance art piece, a tribute to the ancestors (i loved the ancestral fire they lit during their ceremony), a feast the mouths and eyes and the hearts of the lovers of the universe. i have known mark and rebecca for a long time and we have navigated and celebrated many incredible experiences together but nothing felt quite so complete as their wedding. it was my true honor to be there and i felt my heart grow to a new size in witness of their love and union.

speaking of weddings, i love this piece on the perfect thing to say to the bride and groom that my friend jen sent me.

also, i just heard about this book project to end malaria. one of my favorite authors and speakers, brene brown, is one of the contributors. basically it's a collection of essays from 62 prolific thinkers and teachers talking about how to make your work great. the book cost $25, $20 of which goes to the cause of buying a mosquito net for a family in africa. i just bought my book because it's easy and well-organized and for a great cause, which is how i believe giving should work.

my bonnie

2011-10-04T07:17:00.000-07:00

i saw him on sunday night at the birchmere and it was the perfect show. i bought a ticket for myself months ago because since college i've been fascinating by his strange persona and needed to see it live. but then the actual night came--it was the first cold one of fall--and i was exhausted from teacher training and eager to see adam had just gotten back from hawaii. after a sweet reunion dinner with him, i was ready to stay in my sweats all night. luckily his roommate megan had also bought a ticket so we roused each other and left dc a half hour after the show started. we got there just as bonnie went on and managed to find nice seats (i love sit down venues). i ordered a flying dog and settled into listening to bonnie and his band and their amazing melodies and laughed again and again his spastic dancing movements. after the show we made a beeline for the door, drove home through the darkness and i was excited for fall.

shana tova!

2011-09-29T06:48:00.000-07:00

this painting and two photographs are going to be in an art show in bloomingdale in october! more details to follow...

happy rosh hashanah! i am not jewish yet love their holidays because they always seem so practical and contemplative and involve yummy baked goods. i was highly inspired this morning by a message in gwyneth paltrow's newsletter on the practices of rosh hashanah by michael berg:

"There are many tools that we can use during the two days of Rosh Hashanah but there are two important connections that we can all make. The first is to take time during these two days and think about our past year, the good, the better, and the not so good. Then ask yourself, “What do I want to change from last year?”, “what do I want to make better?” Also, “what blessings do we want to draw for ourselves and our family in the next year?” The supernal gates open up during these two days and by opening ourselves up to the flow of light and energy from above we can receive endless blessings.

The second important connection is how we think and behave during Rosh Hashanah. If we desire to connect to the supernal energy that is revealed we should behave like the supernal light. We should act in only ways of sharing, forgiveness and care. No anger, no doubt, no jealousy, no sadness, at least for these two days. How we are during these two days will influence the next 363."

that is such an awesome practice and i am willing to give it a try. it's so easy to get stuck in our habits of feeling upset that we forget what it feels like to feel really good. i have been living on stress for a while and when a day opened up for me yesterday (thank you rain!), i knew that i needed the release that only spaworld can give me. after five hours, a foot massage, a nap, and getting almost all my yoga training reading done, i left feeling like a new person and actually had the best time being stuck in traffic on the way home--for real. as many times as i forget, i can remember how dang important self-care is to feeling good and being the person i want to be. so it's an order--do something nice and decadent for yourself today. think about it as sewing the seed of what you want to see in this next year.

oh and i keep forgetting to post this, but i wanted to share the (belated) launch of the dcHOME Project. i met alex through lovely lizzy a few months ago. he's a lawyer by day but a photographer by heart. over this past year he's been organizing other dc photographers together to share and document their ideas of home through a grant from the dc commission on the arts and humanities. we work in groups of three with alex in all kinds of locations and the results are great. we photographed in georgetown and at my home in bloomingdale and during these two days i really got to know alex and an inspiring lady named mia who teaches art in virginia prisons. it helped me to focus on the small to tell the bigger stories of who we are and to learn that those stories are always there, all we have to do is starting asking and listening.

meeeee!

2011-09-23T12:37:00.000-07:00

julie and lucy assisting

all this traveling around has left a lot of photographs in need of editing and posting. i get to it all eventually, but i'm not sure if i totally believe my own explanation that photographs get better with time and anticipation. still, these yoga and houndstooth photography promo shots definitely need to be posted because stacey veath did such a great job taking them. i mean, i really don't like getting my picture taken, so much so that i was really nervous before the shoot. luckily i had my best friend julie, julie's adorable dog lucy and stacey to be my entourage at the arboretum. the shoot ended up being really fun and i love the photos. it's really helpful for me to see what happens on the other side of the camera. i come across a lot of people who are like me about not wanting to be photograph and nothing makes me happier than taking a picture of them that they like. i don't know exactly what happens energetically during a photo shoot, but it does feel kinda big to me in that we have to be pretty vulnerable to let ourselves be seen and the conditions have to be right to do that well.

it's great to look at these pictures now as i am just finishing up healing from a bike accident two weeks ago. i have ridden my bike all over this city without fear for two years now, and then the accident happened so suddenly. the details were that i was late to teach a class so i was riding extra fast and was going straight through an intersection. the driver didn't see me, made a left turn and i didn't have enough time to stop. i crashed in her passenger side door and bounced back, landing on my lower back. it was a dramatic ordeal with lots of people standing around me and firemen and an ambulance. i had a good amount of time to lay on the street and wait for everyone to get organized and in those moments i had a pretty intense yoga practice of just trying to stay in the moment. my back was hurting pretty bad so my mind starting telling me that i would never be able to have a real yoga practice again, i wouldn't teach again, etc. every time i went there i would start crying which was my indicator to pull myself back to what i knew to be true in the moment--i was just having pain in my back.

two hours and an xray later, the doctors told me that i was going to be fine with just pain and bruises. now two weeks later, i am barely feeling it, thanks to advil, arnica gel and lots of rest. it's been a good evaluation time for me to see how busy i am and how crazy this can make me. it was a big reminded for me to slow down and pay attention. techinically, it wasn't my fault, but this yogic path i walk demands me to take responsibility for everything that is going on in my life. i know that if i had been more aware and rushing less, i probably could have avoided it. i'm lucky to have learned this lesson in such a, relatively, gentle way.

ah, so much good stuff has been happening of late. i could write many but i have to teach soon and in the spirit of slowing down in my travels, here are the three i've been thinking about the most of late:

--i saw fela on tuesday at the shakespeare theater. it was an amazing political, interactive, musical experience. i highly recommend it.

--i wrote this piece on the peace corps for the 50th anniversary this weekend and my friend ann published it in her magazine, GOOD

--my friends mark and rebecca were married last weekend in st. louis. it was a magical night--the wedding had a masquerade ball theme and involved an ancestral fire and aerial silks performance. pictures are coming soon!

needed: orangutan companion to ride on my handle bars

2011-09-13T13:52:00.000-07:00

sneak peak at allison and david's wedding

2011-09-09T13:06:00.000-07:00

here are a few pictures from allison and david's amazing, beautiful wedding in jamestown, rhode island over labor day weekend. i've known allison and david since moving back to dc, but i feel like i really got to know them this weekend. the couple--who has been together for 15 years--wanted their wedding to be natural, surrounded by the people they love the most. so they packed a beautiful old estate home with their nearest and dearest and proceeded to have the most fun, loving wedding i've seen in a while. as always, i felt so honored to share in the festivities and so happy with the moments i was able to capture. honestly, it wasn't too hard with this lovely crew.

first costa rica photos

2011-09-01T09:28:00.000-07:00

here are my photos of the day from costa rica. how do i start writing about this? i can't yet except to say that it was amazing and exceeded all of my expectations. a lot happened, outside and in and i am hungry to reflect on that here but first i will go to rhode island this weekend to photograph allison and davids wedding, which i am so excited about. life, in all its luscious, imperfect glory, has given me some incredible experiences of late and all i can say is thank you thank you thank you...

super nancy and ilan

2011-08-18T09:16:00.001-07:00

these portraits were taken on a warm july morning, with the assistance of the great dc photographer stacey veath. stacey, who is also a yoga instructor, generously offered to spend her morning showing me some of her favorite couples portrait methods. photography, just like yoga, is an endless education process. as soon as i learn something, it shows me how much more i have to learn. it takes a lot show up and trust that i'll find the right scenery, right light, capture the right moments. it can be a very humbling process. yet no matter how much i am learning, what i have going on in the moment always seems to be enough.

i leave tomorrow morning for costa rica. oh my it's already here! just like everything, there have been ups and downs in the process of bringing this trip together but now that it's here i couldn't be happier with how our group has come together. i still don't quite believe that i'll be doing yoga overlooking the ocean in a couple of days in the country that taught me to love traveling.

my intention for the week is embrace wholeness. this means loving any parts of myself that are less than patient and grounded (they always come up when i am traveling) just as much as i love the strong goddess qualities that have brought me to where i am in life. because i know when i hold a space for my own wholeness, i hold a space for the wholeness of those around me and love them even when they are messy, which is what we really all need.

honestly there isn't a day that goes by where i don't question whether the pursuit of yoga is selfish and ignorant of the harsh realities of life. i look at people starving in somalia and feel silly instructing the proper shoulder position in downward facing dog.

but what i am realizing again and again is that it's not about the postures, but rather it's about the process of showing up for myself and when i do that i know deep in my core that i am calm, peaceful, open as the ocean is deep. the stress and the fear and the jealousy can cover that up but when i really look, i know who i am. from what i've seen in my life, i don't think change happens until we can really know ourselves and stop the internal struggle, which slows the external one. but it's not as easy as that. we must realize this and then continually engage in the practice of reconnecting to it often as we can for the rest of our lives. this to me is the best definition of peace that i can think of right now.

so i travel down south the only way i can imagine--which is wholeheartedly, imperfectly and the best i can. i am so truly honored to be fostering a yogic experience for the six lovely people on this retreat yet i know that i will learn my own lessons along the way. it goes in and out that way--the teaching, the learning, the remembering, the forgetting, the inhale, the exhale all for our finger tips brushing against the whole, splendid truth of right here, right now, exactly as it's supposed to be.

jess and brett and a beautiful belly.

2011-08-12T08:06:00.000-07:00

aren't jess and brett the most glowingly beautiful pregnant couple? i photographed them while i was in chicago this summer. it was one of those shoots--beautiful couple, scenic location, and the perfect summer evening light. basically it was all a photographer could dream of, but it was more than that. something felt really special about our time together, like the love got super turned up. thinking about it afterward, it felt to me like the life force of this new baby was already shining through. i am so excited for jess and brett and so honored that they had me document the last weeks of their first pregnancy, an uber special time for them. jess is due on the 20th and i can't wait to see their first baby pictures!

things that have been lighting me up this week...

spending the weekend at deep creek lake with adam and his family. he had four nieces and nephews there and it was an awesome opportunity to be silly and play. acroyoga with them was a big hit, as was tubing behind a boat and all-you-can-eat fried chicken and mashed potatoes at this mennonite village down the road.

i made this delicious no-bake chocolate cake from leftover cream and melting down a chocolate easter bunny that was really past it's prime. recycled leftovers at it's best.

this song by riceboy sleeps during savasana.

photographing jay and lisa's tiny wedding at the collingwood museum and library on the potomac. it was the smallest wedding i've ever seen and one of the most heart-felt. check in soon to see pictures...

i've had some really excellent teaching moments this week where i felt this deep relaxation yet ability to hold healing/growing/strengthening space for my students. i also took carolyn blueme's incredible level 3 class at unity woods and got my ass kicked. that 10 minute headstand is so challenging! i made it to 5 minutes and then came down and marveled at the other 40+ year-old students as they held strong til the end. it felt good to be such a student again.

this idea in chicago about revamping muncipal buses to become portable fruit and veggie markets, serving "food deserts" in inner cities

love in the time of cholera by marquez. he's incredible, the story is rich and is sticking with me already.

midday happy hour pedicures at mimosa in dupont circle. i only do it a few times a year so i like the best. they have awesome massage chairs and give you champagne and i leave feeling so pampered.

eating popcorn with my brother and best friend ricki last night, who just moved to dc. it's good to be close to the people i love.

baby parade

2011-08-05T08:05:00.000-07:00

sophie and sadie hold nothing back when it comes to cuteness...

so my friends have started having babies in the past couple of years. to my relief, they are really cute! you see, i'm not really a little baby person. i can get into a kid once he/she reaches a year and can make eye contact and giggle but not many babies really do it for me.

maybe it's because i love my friends so much, but i really see so much charisma in their wee ones. for example, i got to spend the first part of my midwest trip with my six best college ladies plus two. sophie and sadie both take after their mamas in that they are lovely, have great smiles and are full of fun and good energy. i have met sadie a few times before (she is always one of my favorites to photograph) but it was my first time meeting sophie. aside from being fun to look at, she likes to swim in the bathtub and swing in the rocker chair and tolerated sadie's curiosity with a lot of patience. i already see good things in her future.

i'm off for the weekend to go to deep creek lake for some relaxation, time with good people and more summer eating. i have a feeling that things are going to get real busy before costa rica and keep on going through the fall which is full of weddings and my 300-hour training. it's already gotten busy (why does everything good want to happen at once?) and i've had to pull together my self-care skills again. i'm getting slightly better at saying "no" to things, which is helping. i also know when to escape, which is when i stop feeling optimistic and a general happiness about life. i did this this week when i took my laptop to spa world so i could soak it up between emails and photo editing. i felt much better about everything when i walked out of there.

for me, it's really hard to remember to take care of myself when things are not going well around me. it always seems more logical to me that i fix the outside problems first and then after all that is well and done, i let myself relax. when i listen to the news and hear about fears of another recession, it makes me want to do something. i need to book another photo job or find a "real job" or help the people i love to make a plan so we can protect ourselves from some dark, ambiguous fate. but i know better. i know that things will work the way that they will work in the larger scheme and what i do have control over is staying calm, staying positive and enjoying the smallest parts of life that i possibly can (such as the key lime pie i made yesterday out of the lime juice and egg yolks leftover from making pisco sours this weekend). i think it's a bold statement to say that i trust in goodness to come my way, but i think that making that statement is what will guide me through harder times with a sense of connection to myself and a willingness to be of service to other people.

i remember listening to a "this american life" a while back that had some older recordings of people talking about the great depression. they talked to this one lady, who was a girl at the time, and she spoke about remembering how much fun she had being silly with her friends while waiting in a soup line. i've always thought about that, how attitude and resourcefulness can transform any experience into a good memory and a chance to spread positive energy, if we are willing to change the way we see it.

i don't know what's going to happen, in my life or in the world. i know lots of things are happening that are sad and hopeless-feeling. if i thought change could come from more people being scared and upset or feeling sorry for people, then i would advocate that. but i think that real change comes from a place that is deeper and inspired and takes a little dedication to sit with. it's hard to explain but when i find the feeling place of it, it sings to me and i know that is where i need to be coming back to again and again.

good thoughts on creativity

2011-08-05T06:04:00.001-07:00

cincinnati's finest

2011-08-04T05:38:00.000-07:00

adam and his very wonderful parents

adam's first skyline cheese coney in a long time. this picture wasn't posed at all.

we only spent an hour on the kentucky side of things but that was enough time to play skeeball and win a set of wind-up chattering teeth.

adam likes to make friends.

the sloth, yet again, was the most relaxed of us all.

i had such a great time in cincinnati which is a good thing because adam had talked it up a lot. his family lives in this gorgeous older home in clifton with stained glass windows and hardwood floors and it was in walking distance to just about everything we wanted to do. adam got to show me all of his favorite parts of his hometown (his high school, the zoo, clifton's skyline chili) and i made us go back again and again to my favorite part. the highlight for me was really when adam's parents took us out to a delicious and perfectly-served dinner at la poste, in the old post office building in clifton. we got dressed up, sipped our cocktails and took the evening to enjoy ourselves in our favorite way--having a great conversation and eating some seriously good food until it got dark outside. just thinking about it makes me want to go back again soon,

cupcake heaven.

2011-07-29T12:43:00.000-07:00

i was making cupcakes for my friend julie's birthday yesterday and i remembered that i never posted pictures of the triple salted caramel cupcakes that i made for adam's birthday in june. the recipe is process-intensive and so-very-not-lite, but i knew the way to properly celebrated my boo's birthday was to satisfy both his sweet and salty tooth. actually when we were first corresponding over the internet (yes, we are an okcupid success story), we quickly found out we have a love for all things sweet and salty, especially the amazing sweet and salty cookies at teaism. so when we decided to meet on a steamy friday afternoon last june, teaism was naturally the choice. cookies turned to a walk in the park and throwing a boomerang and sushi and adam's homemade pumpkin bread (he's an incredible baker too) and yoga classes and many dates and trips and cookies shared since. we learned quickly in our relationship that something sweet goes a long way to soothe the harder parts of life.

a few things i am excited about right now...

i have a painting and a photograph that are hanging in a show called "artists off rhode island" at the art enables gallery. it's a cool space with weird hours (9-4pm m-f) but if you are going down rhode island then stop in and check it out.

our trip to costa rica is almost full! the elation of each sign up has been great and the full excitement is really setting in.

taking adorable photos of ilan and nancy at walter pierce park this morning and learning so much from the awesome photography stacey veath.

the new thai crossing. i went there last night to celebrate julie's birthday and i was so surprised to find the upstairs open a huge, delicious set menu for $30 a person. and it's still byob.

finally finishing my biggest-guilty-pleasure-of-all-time show and then hearing that mad men is available to watch instantly on netflix.

signing up for the 300-hour yogaworks teacher training at qm this fall. the timing and the people involved could not be better on this.

that's all for now. have a lovely weekend and stay cool!

alicia at meridian hill park.

2011-07-25T07:56:00.000-07:00

so if you read this blog, you know i do a few different things which sometimes come together, i mean, i never thought it would be possible to join yoga with pets but they have recently come out with doga (dogs +yoga) classes. i have no plans soon to teach doga classes, but i am happy to combine photograph other lovely yoga instructors. the beauty of their practices--as demonstrated here by yoga district's alicia--make our backdrops come alive and really lovely photos ensue.

midwest--adorable baby--zoo animal--dog--belly--family pictures will follow shortly!

sarita and gracy playtime.

2011-07-10T12:05:00.000-07:00

heart-opening.

handstands are way easier when you have a buddy!

these pictures were taken at sheep's meadow in central park, while i was in nyc in june. sarita and i have known each other since we were 15 years old and at unity church's youth conference in kansas city. even though she lived in arizona and i lived in dc, we managed to keep in touch because those kinds of teenage connection bonds are awful strong and needed during those years. after graduating we lost touch for a while but i heard she was in santa cruz and la, dancing and doing yoga and loving life.

then sarita moved to new york and our indispensable friend justin reconnected us in our common passion of getting our stretch and breath on. when at the beginning of the year sarita asked me if i would like to co-lead yoga and thai massage retreat in costa rica this august, i said, "um, hell yes." it was one of those leap before looking moments where my heart answered before my head could make a good argument against it. after committing to her, i have definitely had a few moments when i doubted whether we could make this work. as someone who is very hesitant about any kind of hard sell, especially regarding yoga, these past few months of retreat marketing have been such an experience of living my yoga. i've had to work really hard to spread the word as much as i can while completely releasing the results of having anyone say "yes." it's that same balance of effort and release that i am always trying to cultivate in my asana practice and just as in my yoga practice, it is hard. the trick, as patanjali advises us in the yoga sutras, is full faith in our success, no matter how hairy it may seem in the moment. for this, i have to thank the enthusiasm of sarita, who, just with her voice, makes me believe that anything is possible.

but this full faith stuff really does work. our sign-ups trickled in at first and but we held steady and they kept coming in. i understand now that the universe just likes to take her time assembling the perfect group of people for such a lovely affair. now we are a month away and i am happy to report that we've got a great group of people together to relax and learn in paradise. and we still have a few more openings if anyone is still looking for a fabulous way to close out their summer. you can find more information here and see pictures of anamaya, the resort center, right here. thank you to everyone for all their supporting in making this happen!

i am just back from a 10-day trip to the midwest (simple, relaxing, awesome) and i am working on posting some of the photos from the trip. in the meantime, i'll leave you all with this quote about perfectionism. i have been saving a while for the perfect post but i think that it applies to all of us on a daily basis (i know i've needed it already a couple of times today).

"I must learn to love the fool in me-the one who feels too much, talks too much,takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and break promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against the utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of my human aliveness, humility and dignity but for my fool”
-Theodore I.Rubin MD

the best we can.

2011-07-02T12:32:00.000-07:00

at the folklife festival.

if you live in dc, i highly recommend checking out the folklife festival down on the mall. they are featuring peace corps this year and as part of the celebration, peace corps peru flew in four artesans from peru to display their amazing weaving and sculpting skills. i got to be there on monday for their first day. three of the ladies have never left peru before and two of them come from very traditional mountain communities. although i had never met them before, i felt like they were women from my peace corps town. they are all beautiful, with great smiles, and totally shy. but i mean, who wouldn't be shy about going to a totally foreign culture and displaying something very close to your heart while people take pictures and talk in a language you can't understand? as people starting coming by the booth, one of the ladies was noticeably tense. i asked her if she was ok and she said that she felt embarrassed that she was in such a "developed" country while her own culture was so "undeveloped." i heard that all the time in peru but this time i could make a better argument of why peruvians should be proud of their culture. i told her that we had lost a lot of our traditional culture so we now have to find people who maintain theirs and fly them to the states so we can see them. this got her to smile a little bit and by the time i left in the afternoon she was more relaxed. she said she really could see that people were respectful and excited to see her in action.

but oh man, it's crazy brave to put yourself out there like that. even me and all of my peace corps friends, who felt totally prepared to live in another culture, went through a lot of nervousness and embarassment and frustration in order to live there. i once heard the peace corps described as a "really good book that i would never want to read again" and that feels true to me (although i still dream of a second service later on in life). i look back and remember that some days-especially during the afternoons of the rainy season--all i could do was set those little baby goals of just walking out my front door for five minutes so i wouldn't be a shut-in for an entire day.

at the time, i felt pathetic that all i could manage was a few breaths of fresh air in the midst of a groggy, food-comaed afternoon. but looking back now, i feel kinda proud that i was able to take back control in some small, concrete way. it's these little life-coping skills that are the real gift of living abroad, i think. i used them all the time when i returned and was thrown into being a first-time grantswriter with almost no support. i would freak out if i had to think about the entire proposal, but i could handle just rewriting the one paragraph about our policies on disabled students. i would do enough of that and soon the grant would be done and then another and then another (until i had to quit six months later but that is another interesting story..)

i still do it all the time. my ideal version of myself takes her camera everywhere and keeps beautiful illustrated journals and can wax poetic about the alignment and benefits of each yoga pose. but the reality is that most of my photo of the days come from my iphone and i have filled exactly two pages of the new watercolor journal i bought a month ago and i say incredibly vague things like "this restorative pose makes you relax" (duh) or "keep your back leg strong."

but it's enough enough enough enough enough. it's a life and a pretty good life at that. after my knowing my friend lara for over five years, she shyly played and sang a beautiful version of david bowie's "let's dance" for me on her guitar. i've never heard her play again or even talk about her guitar. it was an incredible moment and it didn't need to be anymore than that. if we make ourselves believe that we have to be superhuman in our talents, then we crash fast and try to forget that we even wanted to do that. if we let ourselves make marks and sing songs and build steam while disregarding any image that comes from these acts, then we get into the beauty of creation itself which i believe is so much bigger than any of us. in our culture that is obsessed with being recognized for our greatness, we forget that we all great in our own messy, quiet ways and that sometimes it takes a little time for things to fully develop or be understood or praised.

so today i stand in support of just showing up and doing the best you can and knowing that each little act of creation, whether or not it's perfect, it is so completely needed

ny ny ny.

2011-06-25T06:53:00.000-07:00

i spent a lot of time on the trains.

sarita and greg in central park.

thai massaging, giving metta.

hello alice!

new york was riding the 2 train from atlantic/pacific to 14th street, communal lunches at integral yoga center on the break of my thai massage training, catching up with peace corps friends, yoga in the park with the amazing chrissy carter, learning about the ayurvedic doshas and how they apply to thai massage, korean bbq with allison and david (my adorable labor day wedding couple who have been together for 13 years), having great talks with my friend amanda in her lucious brooklyn backyard where she has strawberries and a lot of bamboo growing and i don't feel like i am in the city at all, a rainy evening spent trying everything on at anthropologie in soho and getting a few gems, acroyoga in the park with sarita and greg the night before they headed off to wanderlust, the best nyc diner and cupcake experience with dear Susannah and getting to hear about a few of her post-grad dreams, private-room karoke (highlight was simple mind's "don't you (forget about me)" and generally just feeling like a honorary new yorker because i could get myself around the city and even forgot to look up sometimes. it was a great week full of ethnic food and a lot of metta but i was so happy to come back to dc which feels like one big hug of a neighborhood to me.

rampaging.

2011-06-13T11:18:00.000-07:00

the incredible orchids at the penn quarter farmer's market (adam got one for his anniversary present)

i appreciate the warm sun and cooler breeze today and that i can write this while sitting on my back porch. i appreciate that my fridge/freezer are working better than ever (they got real sick in the heat of last week) and for the a/c unit that julie gave me (after three summers of no-ac in a dc summer, the june heat wave and julie's generosity have changed everything). i appreciate my relationship with my boo and that it's been a year and it keeps feeling better and better and that i can call him in hard moments and laugh with him in softer ones (we laugh a little in the harder moments too--just a little). i appreciate this photo essay about people who make their own things and live darling little creative lives. i appreciate getting to teach at the two coolest yoga studios in dc (this is my blog so what i get to say what is coolest) and how my students are badasses and how i love what i do and am always finding new opportunities to use it. i appreciate mike and neela, the couple whose little wedding ceremony i photographed this weekend. they were so sweet and laid-back and they organized a new orlean's brass band to walk the wedding party from the ceremony to the reception and the sun was setting in dc and everyone on the streets was so quick to wave and cheer. i appreciate that i get to do a lot of things. i appreciate the idea that joy equals success and that we never get it all done so it's best to just have a good time and see how it comes together. i appreciate in advance my trip to nyc this next week to study more thai massage and ayurveda and see my good people up there. and speaking of traveling, i totally appreciate this opportunity i am getting to co-teach a yoga and thai massage retreat in costa rica this august with my good friend sarita lou. the two of us meant in the youth of unity when we were 15 and have followed parallel yogic paths on different coasts. we are coming together to teach what we love most and we are excited to see the group come together for this trip. if you are interested then let me know...

pictures from may to june.

2011-06-07T14:03:00.000-07:00

david, brother, graduates law school.

bloomingdale graffiti.

adam likes: flowers; dislikes: being photographed.

hanging out with julie is like living in a jcrew photo shoot!

the lovely mia at raleigh's new (and very cool) contemporary art museum.

i've been experiementing with combining beans into baked goods to add more protein without fat. the ginger-chickpea bread was awesome; the lemon-basil-white bean, not so much. i'm going to keep working on them.

ahh, so much going on and i want to share it with you all! i'll start with these pictures now and say that much has happened and there is more in store. currently i am excited about celebrating one year with adam (we had a picnic at hillwood mansions and an incredible dinner at palena), a road trip to raleigh with great friends to visit ricki and mia, and the loveliness of walking about dc's farmers markets on the weekends. i hope everyone is feeling summer kissed and full these days.

i seriously loved this documentary.

2011-05-19T14:49:00.000-07:00

too many good parts to mention--just watch it for yourself and see.

blessed yogini.

2011-05-19T07:00:00.000-07:00

isn't ayelet the most lovely yoga lady? we took these pictures in dumbarton oaks park over in georgetown. we walked ten minutes away from the road and suddenly we were in a little fairy glen of greenness. ayelet described it best by saying that the whole shoot conveyed the mother earth sukha (sanskrit for softness, openness). i think this makes sense because ayelet expresses her own sense of sukha so well (and has some awesomely defined tricep muscles that show her developed capacity for sthira (strength)).

as long as we are on yoga, i found a list of pantajili's yamas and niyamas that i copied from one of my mom's yoga books. as i am always trying to remember to live by these, i thought i would share them, along with some of my mom's notes in the margin (her thoughts are the ones punctuated by "quotation marks." i've been studying these for the past few years and it's interesting how all of a sudden one will become really interesting to me. last year i was all about the svadyaya--just looking again and again at the way that i act and think about things. this year i am really feeling the importance of tapas, disciplined practice, for me to be true to myself. but really, it's always ahimsa, non-violence, that is really the centerpiece of this whole yoga practice. if i start there then i know--especially with how i treat myself--that pretty much i will be in alignment with the way i want to be living. let me know what speaks to you...

yama and niyama: conscious relationship with your world and yourself
"awareness. it's about eliminating distractions from your path. without spiritual connection, yoga is just exercise. the wise use of all our gifts--increases them. unwise use--decreases them"

yama--"based on non-violence"
social ethics

ahimsa, non-violence/compassion
behave in kindness, friendliness, compassion, and thoughtful consideration for all beings and things, as well as yourself. "in the presence of one established in compassion (non-violence) all hostility dissolves. co-listening. violence--intent to harm (usually because we feel threatened)"

satya, non-deception/truthfulness
practice conscious communication through speech, writing, gesture, and actions. consider what you say, how you say it and in what way it could affect others. "for one established in truth, the results fit the action"

asteya, non-stealing/honesty
take advantage of no person or situation for personal gain. "generosity. the persona established in honesty lives in abundance"

brahmacharya, non-abuse of sexual energy, conscious sexuality, energy management
honor your sexuality and that of others. create relationships that foster your understanding of the highest truths. "on established in conscious sexuality has abundant energy"

aparigraha, non-greed/security
take only what you need and nothing more. "one who is consistently w/o greed understands the meaning of life"

niyamas "based on purification"
personal practices

saucha, purity
maintain cleanliness of body, mind, and surroundings. "over exposure to bad language, sexuality, violence, gossip de-sanitizes us. there is a the possibility for attaining equilibrium, purity, well-being, focus, mastery of the senses, and ultimately self-realization"

santosha, contentment
practice being comfortable with what you have and what you do not have. embrace all experiences as opportunities to learn and grow. "contentment brings supreme joy"

tapas, discipline
increase the heat that burns impurities through practices that keep you body/mind fit and healthy; proper sleep, exercise, nutrition, work, and relaxation "through disciplines that strengthen and purify body, mind, and senses one becomes capable of extraordinary abilities. ability to endure pain"

svadhyaya, self-examination
observe, read, study, practice, reflect, review and observe your progress so that you may see yourself more clearly. "therapy. self-study (sacred texts) brings realization of one's true nature"

isvarapranidhana, spiritual attunement
'let go and let god.' attune to the all-knowing presence within you and allow that presence to direct your actions. "develops extraordinary abilities. experiencing the presence (of god) to see what's real"

ayurveda myths.

2011-05-18T11:40:00.000-07:00

i love this piece by anne thiel about how ayurveda doesn't have to be so extreme. i especially dig that part at the end where she talks about beer being good for people with vata imbalances :)

love this song.

2011-05-16T09:11:00.000-07:00

thanks acacia for turning me on to jazmine.

taking care.

2011-05-13T13:09:00.000-07:00

peace lily success.

last week i had my first vedic astrology reading. the guy's name is peter and when i talked to him on the phone, he sounded like your average 30-something dude. then he told me a lot of things--some obvious, some more complicated--and hearing it all made sense and made me feel a lot better about this life i am living. his main message to me was how important it was for me to take care of myself and give myself stability. i told him that sometimes i feel selfish for spending so much time making sure that i am rested, well-feed, yogaed, and in touch with my emotions, etc. "nah," he said, "that stuff is really good for you." he told me if i continued to follow that path then good things were going to come my way so who am i to argue with that?

i inherited the above peace lily when i moved back to dc and since having it, it has failed to thrive. the only exception to this was when i went to peru for a month and my subleaser diana, quite an earthmother, took care of it for me. i came back and was happy to find two of the white blossoms sticking above the green leaves. then it went back to my care and i watched them shrivel up in following weeks. i told everyone that the plant didn't really like me that much, but the reality was i wasn't giving it what it needed. i have since learned that it likes to shower with me once a week, with little bits of watering in the meantime, and likes to be turned now and then so all of it's leaves get good sun. i've been really dedicated about keeping up with it over this past month and then last week, i noticed a little patch of white. it's started to open today and i am quite proud to report that there are two others starting to come up as well.

(note that in in this past month i have also been doing a really deep food/herb cleanse, keeping my room super clean and uncluttered, making my own yoga practice a priority again, making sketchbook art again, and being vigilant about my morning writing practice).

having another life form's well-being linked to mine is best possible mirror for me to see how i am doing. i feel embarrassed that it's taken me three years to figure out what it needs, but relieved that i am doing this learning on a plant and not on a pet or even a child. i've always said that i don't want to have kids until i figure out how to take care of myself and although i know i still have much to learn, this feel like a sign that i am figuring out all those little things that help me to flow and be my happiest, healthiest self. my wish is that this continues to radiate outward.

happy weekend everyone! xoxo

peru meets peru.

2011-05-12T12:56:00.000-07:00

a little long but worth it if you've ever spent time in peru.

lastest zooborn to make me squeal outloud.

2011-05-09T07:42:00.000-07:00

baby advark.

this guys lives at busch gardens. read the full story here.

this charming city.

2011-05-06T12:53:00.000-07:00

two ferocious spirits in warm and fuzzy exteriors (my boo is ferociously awesome)

site of the best crab cakes in baltimore (according to all the awards on their wall) and we were not disappointed

go to the visionary art museum and see their humor exhibit and you will feel better about life (especially if you sit on the whoopie cushion chair)

ay ay, this breakfast burrito and cinnamon roll at blue moon cafe were incredible and worth the hour+ wait

baltimore in orange (taken from the patterson park pagoda where adam and i went on a sketchbook adventure while escaping the rain)

links for a rainy thursday.

2011-04-28T10:48:00.001-07:00

oh my those storms and tornadoes in the south are so crazy. my heart and prayers are with anyone affected by the devastation. i can't even imagine how scary it must have been. it makes me think about being in the peace corps. i lived right under two beautiful mountains that were known and overdue for an icy avalanche. just about everyone in town had been affected by a horrible one in 1970 and talking to them always gave me respect for the power of mother nature and how it more clearly defined the precious and delicate nature of daily life. it was one of the many lessons my two years there gave me.

another of those lessons was how to take it easy and not do so much. i fought it a lot during my first two years because it made me feel lazy and bored, but during the second year i actually started to dig sitting out in the patio with my host family after lunch, watching sylvia nurse her baby and my host dad pull out my host mom's gray hairs. during this year, i read a lot of books and practiced my funny brand of concrete floor yoga and i think overall my nervous system benefited from the open space.

but since i've been back in the states (almost four years now in august!), i must admit that i have settled quite comfortably back into the intense doing of life. a part of it is necessity (i have to do a lot of different things to make ends meet in the way i have chosen to live my life) but it's also because i like how being active makes me feel in the flow of life. yet sometimes, especially when one is a freelancer, life is bound to slow down. i feel lucky now that when photography work slows, i have a solid base of yoga and now massage to keep me financially afloat. yet even though everything is really ok, i still have the sense that something is wrong when i am not busy. i feel embarrassed to mention it to other people and am quick to find something social to fill up the time. i think i feel vulnerable partially because our society values a busy life and that we equate a lot of our personal worth with ways we connect with the outside world. but also, i think the openess of it can be too much for me. to me, open space--when they are not consciously carved out--means i have to give up distractions and just be. this usually involves a deeper examination of how i live my life and view myself and it can be hard work, although ultimately satisfying.

throughout the past year or so, people have sent me many great links and articles that i did not look at because they were more than a few paragraphs and required focused attention, something that does not come easy when i am in front of my laptop. so when my drawing class was canceled this morning, i decided to delve into my starred email box and start investigation what i have been missing out on. i found a lot of good stuff in there, which made me want to share with you all and give proper shout-outs to the people who sent them to me.

a great tumblr collection of work from current portrait photographers that i am quite inspired by (from the legendary ann)

good advice for starting and building a yoga business (from yogini kelly)

catherine ingram article about why desire is an important part of the equation (from my wise momma)

ny times article how to keep faithful and happy in your relationship (even though i think some of those research methods are seriously questionable) (from lovely erin)

sally kempton tells us how to recognize and move through perfectionism (from mindful rita)

tips for teaching curvy yogis (from beautiful katie)

massage and other well-considered life musings (from ann again)

oh and i really like this album from the antlers on first listen (check out the fleet foxes new one too) and i am going to read this article on lori berenson that i've been saving forever after lunch and i always love looking at the new anthropologie catalogue.

ok, for all my non-doing i've managed to write a really long blog entry. oh well, little by little. i hope some of it inspires and entertains. love you all.

lemon rosemary, slightly salty shortbread.

2011-04-27T09:49:00.000-07:00

i got this cookie recipe at the bloomingdale farmers market two years ago, i think from common good city farm (then 7th street garden). i've made them twice now and after eating them at the dessert and bodywork workshop on friday, i have confirmed that they are ridiculously good. i add a little salt to the dough and then a few grains of celtic sea salt with the sugar on top to get the good sweet and salty taste. also, you can also make them with fresh basil. let me know if you try them and how they turn out (warning, this recipe makes a lot! you can always freeze the dough into a log and bake them later).

lemon-rosemary butter cookies (or basil)

1/4 cup minced fresh rosemary (or 1 cup fresh basil leaves)
1 and 3/4 cups sugar, divided
1 lb butter, softened
1/4 cup fresh lemon juice
1 large egg
6 cups AP flour
1/2 tsp. salt

process rosemary and 1/4 sugar in food processor. beat butter at medium speed with electric mixer until creamy; gradually add remaining 1 and 1/2 cups sugar, beating well. add lemon juice and egg, beating until blended. gradually add flour, salt, and rosemary/sugar mixture, beating until blended. shape dough into 1-inch balls, place 2 inches apart on lightly greased cookie sheets. flatten slightly with bottom of class dipped in sugar. sprinkle sea salt over top of cookies and repress with glass. bake at 350 degrees for 8-10 minutes or until lightly browned. cool on wire racks. makes 6 and 1/2 dozen.

easter carnage.

2011-04-27T09:30:00.000-07:00

from here

his days are numbered...

also this is a good conversation that made me laugh out loud (thanks adam for these and all the great links you send me).

good reads.

2011-04-25T13:21:00.000-07:00

below are two maira kalman quotes that i love. i was thinking about the second one a lot yesterday at easter when i was making polite conversation in my fancy easter dress and noticing i had forgotten to shave my legs. the first one just sums me and my worldly aspirations up in a few sentences.

"My dream is to walk around the world. A smallish backpack, all essentials neatly in place. A camera. A notebook. A traveling paint set. A hat. Good shoes. A nice pleated (green?) skirt for the occasional seaside hotel afternoon dance."

"I tell you these stories because these things happen to everyone. It's not about being starched or polished or cute or polite. It's about having ears that stick out, about breaking yet another glass. It's about seeing something for the first time and making a million mistakes and not ever getting completely discouraged."

check out this beauty!

2011-04-20T14:12:00.000-07:00

beautiful sadie...so far i've photographed you at eight months (in the womb), three months (on this planet) and now almost one year. you love your momma, gumming on an orange, and are so ready to walk and say the word "book." you are so precious, so attentive, and i see a lot of wisdom on those big blue eyes of yours. i can't wait to watch you keep growing up! love, me

it's ready!

2011-04-15T07:55:00.000-07:00

charlotte and henry are excited! so am i...

so after two years in the making, i finally have a website that features my wedding/family photography. please let me introduce you all to: gracyo.com

please take a few moments to get to know her and see what she has to offer. personally, i like her because she is understated in design, so she can better feature the lovely people in the photographs.

i want to thank everyone who has ever let me take a picture of them. i really couldn't have done it without all you photogenic souls.

p.s. also, if you know of anyone who is interested in wedding or family photography than i would love to talk to them. there may be some kind of signing bonus like black bean brownies or a thai massage.

delicious.

2011-04-12T06:55:00.000-07:00

beet muffins.

black sesame otsu.

the makings of dark chocolate, dried cherry cookies.

when i was younger, untainted by adolescent angst, i used to tell people i wanted to be an artist and chef when i grew up. then i actually started growing up and forgot about that pretty quickly. i never took many art classes except for photography because it never seemed practical. then i thought i wanted to be a journalist--where i really do think you can exercise a lot of creativity--but still it never quite stuck for me. so now i am rounding out my third decade on this planet and thinking that my first career options sound pretty good.

although i don't currently have the urge to be paid for my cooking, it really is my favorite hobby. i cook the way i do everything else--when i am inspired and making sure to never throw anything away. i keep my kitchen full of healthy staples (and a few more decadent indulgences) from places like the glut which helps me to throw things together without always having to go to the grocery store first. i get a little inspiration from the my favorite cooking resources, but really its the necessity of using fresh ingredients while they are fresh that becomes the driving force behind my cooking. this fuels creations that are different, surprising, and sometimes pretty delicious. for the past year, i've been getting a csa-like share from field to city (formerly timor bodega) in my neighborhood and this has yielded some really interesting cooking projects, especially during the winter months of cabbage and root vegetables (such as the above beet muffins). i cook big dishes and bake when i have time (usually 2-3 times a week) and keep rotating through the leftovers, which makes it really easy to throw together a healthy, satisfying lunchtime plate when i am teaching a lot and don't have time to cook.

as for my resources, a lot of my inspiration comes from heidi swanson at 101cookbooks.com and her wholesome, simple approach to eating great food everyday. also, i was resistant for a while but my dad finally turned me on to america's test kitchen and now i sing its praises because its well-written, informative, and each recipe comes out beautifully if you follow the directions. i also like laurel's kitchen for its straight-up healthy 70's approach and moosewood cookbook because it's what i grew up cooking with and continues to be great.

and this cookbook came in the mail yesterday and i stayed up late reading it--wonderfully caught up in recipes, photography and voice of the author/chef/proprietor and her dream of parisean lunchtime bakery.

this has all gotten me terribly inspired for my bodywork and dessert party i am co-hosting with sarita moore from nyc. i've been looking at a lot of dessert recipes, but this morning i narrowed the choices down to black bean vegan brownies, rosemary shortbread cookies, sour cherry crumble bars, and dates stuffed with feta cheese and walnuts. yum yum yum, the dream continues.

ps this is written one week into my no-sugar cleanse, as a kind of therapy i think.

senseless acts.

2011-04-08T07:40:00.000-07:00

i woke up yesterday exhausted. i had only been back my vacation for one week but i had already worn myself down. since coming home, aside from sleeping, i hadn't sat in one spot for less than 30 minutes. everything, everybody had been calling me and i just followed the way i normally did and started getting that overwhelmed feeling that had been creeping around in the weeks prior to leaving town. then i got into my car to teach yoga and found that my car battery had died. it seemed like a pretty clear sign off to me. after teaching, i decided to take the rest of the morning off to rest and recharged my batteries (in all senses). after reading through this superhero's blog last night, i tearfully came back to myself. i am here to enjoy my life and open my heart, to tell the truth and to find as much beauty as i can. so as part of my cleansing period, i am making some changes to have time to make life more playful, to laugh more and to engage in some senseless acts of beauty (such as organizing my shirt drawer in a rainbow). maybe it's because mercury is in retrograde or the mayan calendar accceleration but something new is in the air and i am seizing it and flying as high as i can.

also, see this movie.

2011-04-07T18:12:00.002-07:00

ahem, that's an order. it's that good.

back again!

2011-04-07T17:45:00.000-07:00

"yoga is seeing life the way it is" -- patanjali's yoga sutras

i'm back from my travels and easing back into life in d.c. or rather trying to ease back into and finding the current is moving rather fast. i think it took me going away to somewhere quiet before i could see just how busy my life is here. i'm doing a low salt/sugar/mostly vegan cleanse right now and it's really opening up a lot of space in me. i'm taking advantage of that to figure out what stays and what i need to leave for a while in all areas of my life. the answers are surprising me but i am trusting the shifts because it always does seem like life gets better if i can just trust it.

as always, i'm having a hard time summarizing anything from the trip but the highlights from my travels were:

1) quality time with my mom at her funny new home in the villages (i love the theme song on the website). imagine 80,000 retirees running around in golf carts on a leisure schedule with huge smiles on their face. my mom set up my room with white roses on my bedside and spoiled me with blueberry pancakes in the morning.

2) the goodwill in deerfield beach (i found a dream navy-striped cardigan) among other gems (i had my mom ship me a box)

3) seeing abraham, they always amaze me and inspire me about how to have more fun and allow more prosperity into my life.

4) a day at the beach in delray where i saw this beauty constructed and chatted with my wise sister (by soul) danielle about how to give our lives good meaning.

5) all-you-can-eat sushi in boca. amazing and its probably better that there are many hours in between me in this place because judging from what i did in an hour there, i would ruin it for myself real fast if i had easier access.

6) my thai massage teacher sukha was an inspiring woman and i learned a ton from her. i have a new respect for how awesome and opening thai massage is. i actually got to the point toward the end of the week where i couldn't take it any more of it--i was already so open and i needed to ground. just like the sushi, there are limits to a good thing.

7) kripalu in general. it's a great place with the right balance of sacred and chill. i went to the baths every day and ate my self silly because its some of the best tasting healthy food i've ever had. my favorites were the baked oatmeal, maple oat scones, baked samosas, and greek sweet potato, feta pie.

8) taking a walk down to the lake with some dear thai massage folks and seeing one of the first massachusetts spring days and feeling that i was really present for that moment.

9) the general beauty of taking a retreat. i learned that i am grounded and that i can really help people through taking the time to take care of myself.

great pema quote.

2011-03-21T12:24:00.001-07:00

"Life is glorious, but life is also wretched. It is both. Appreciating the gloriousness inspires us, encourages us, cheers us up, gives us a bigger perspective, energizes us. We feel connected. But if that's all that's happening, we get arrogant and start to look down on others, and there is a sense of making ourselves a big deal and being really serious about it, wanting it to be like that forever. The gloriousness becomes tinged by craving and addiction. On the other hand, wretchedness--life's painful aspect--softens us up considerably. Knowing pain is a very important ingredient of being there for another person. When you are feeling a lot of grief, you can look right into somebody's eyes because you feel you haven't got anything to lose--you're just there. The wretchedness humbles us and softens us, but if we were only wretched, we would all just go down the tubes. We'd be so depressed, discouraged, and hopeless that we wouldn't have enough energy to eat an apple. Gloriousness and wretchedness need each other. One inspires us, the other softens us. They go together."
--Pema Chodron

another gem from mary oliver

2011-03-16T11:50:00.000-07:00

spring

somewhere

a black bear

has just risen from sleep

and is staring

down the mountain.

all night

in the brisk and shallow restlessness

of early spring

i think of her,

her four black fists

flicking the gravel,

her tongue

like a red fire

touching the grass,

the cold water.

there is only one question:

how to love this world.

i think of her

rising

like a black and leafy ledge

to sharpen her claws against

the silence

of the trees.

whatever else

my life is

with its poems

and its music

and its cities,

it is also this dazzling darkness

coming

down the mountain,

breathing and tasting;

all day i think of her –

her white teeth,

her wordlessness,

her perfect love.

(this was beautifully read to me during marissa angeletti's yoga class and it hit in the perfect spot)

spiraling.

2011-03-15T06:32:00.001-07:00

Your work is to discover your world and then with all your heart give yourself to it.
- Buddha

it's a quiet, productive tuesday afternoon here at la casa 161. my taxes are almost done (and it's my first year really having to pay them which means lots of deep breaths and trusting in my own prosperity) but other than that my body feels rested and calm. business feels good, my relationships are in order and i feel good about my place in the world. life is working well for me.

i was definitely not feeling this way two days ago.

what's changed? well, i had friends who came to visit. dear, beautiful friends who are living their lives fully and give me nothing but unconditional friendship and support. i was so excited to see them when they got in early thursday that i decided to skip my painting class and my morning writing and break my caffeine-fast and spend the morning breakfasting and catching up with them. it felt great at first. we were giggling and confiding and doing all that close friend stuff that i love. but by the end of the afternoon, i started getting these familiar creepy feelings of self-doubt and insecurity. in these past two years of giving myself fully to my dreams, i really haven't experienced too many extreme mood changes. life feels good and i take care of myself and that feeds on itself.

but this was not the case earlier on in my life, especially during my last year of peace corps. i think i've written about this before but it was a time when many of my comforts were falling away from that and i felt extremely raw. i desperately wanted out of my life, or rather i didn't want to have to do all the personal work that was needed to fix the beliefs, ideas that were causing me to suffer. these friends who were visiting were two of the people closest to me at the time and while i loved their support, i found myself envying the security of the lives and their confidence in living well. i don't consider myself a terribly jealous person but during this year i was. i coveted a different family, love life, peace corps town...pretty much everything. it was a really hard time.

as life works, i didn't get to change anything but rather i prayed and meditated and yogaed and found the strength to rebuild. it was a rocky first year+ back in the states but with my practices, i became grounded again. i can honestly say now that i am really content with my life. as you can read here on my blog, i feel like i have a lot to appreciate---work that i love, a great boyfriend, a supportive community and a housing situation that is effortlessly lovely.

which is why it surprised me so much when i started feeling this way again. i am laughing as i write this now, but i really did think that i was over feeling upset. i knew that life still entailed minor annoyances but i thought i had done my work and healed what needed to be healed. all this made me even more unprepared by how quickly i was thrown back into feeling so anti-me. i started to question everything about myself, especially the things in my life that really do sustain me. all of a sudden i felt way lame about going home early to get good sleep before teaching and anal about wanting to keep my room and my house clean.

worse, instead of accepting the fact that i was insecure and jealous, i kept trying to push it away and pretend like everything was fine. i wanted them to see that i was doing really well and not thrown back into past patterns. as a result, i went through the motions of being there but wasn't being myself and realizing that made me feel even more separate. as i have been learning recently from reading brene brown's amazing book about shame resilience, sharing our vulnerabilities are the key to connecting to the people around us. hiding doesn't get me anywhere but having to be alone with my fear.

so now enter amazing boyfriend adam. i had spent the whole weekend frustrated with him for not wanting to be more social (even though i totally didn't want to be social in those moments). he helped me to make the decision to go home early on saturday night and then helped me as i started to share with him and release all of the emotions i had been feeling from the weekend. i tearfully told him everything that i had been going through in my head and he sat with me and listened and asked questions and helped me to see the gifts that i bring to my friendships and to the world. he also helped me through sharing his own example of when he accepted that he likes going home early so he can get up and enjoy his mornings (something that i had been really hard on myself about).

when i woke the next morning, it felt better. i wrote, i meditated, i drank tea and felt even better. then by that night i was myself again. poof, it felt like i was magically i was put back together again.

i can't say that i totally understand what happened and why growth can have that funny spiraling effect where we are never fully free of our demons, but i can say that listening to buddhist teacher tara brach's message of radical acceptance really helped me to just be present with what i was feeling:

"Radical acceptance has two elements: It is an honest acknowledgment of what is going on inside you, and a courageous willingness to be with life in the present moment, just as it is. I sometimes simplify it to “recognizing” and “allowing.”

You can accept an experience without liking it. In fact, let’s say you are feeling stuck in anxiety and disliking the feeling. Radical Acceptance includes accepting both the feelings of anxiety and the aversion to it. In fact, acceptance is not real and not healing unless it honestly includes all aspects of your experience."

so it's tuesday, my tea cup of tea is now empty and i am deeply humbled by these past few days. i keeping want to prepare for the future, saying that in order to feel whole i must never skip writing or drink coffee, etc but honestly strategizing just feels like a waste of time. my logical brain's bag of tricks doesn't mean anything unless it includes an open heart to having a hard time. because i trust that as i continue to climb upward, i will dip down again and again and the best thing i can do to keep moving forward is just truly be present with the beautiful mess within me and trust that it's all an important part of the journey.

love this. love to everyone in japan.

2011-03-14T15:32:00.000-07:00

How To Stop Being Afraid—Even When The Whole World Thinks You Should Be

by Anna Kunnecke

As I write this, I am in Tokyo. It’s been 48 hours since the biggest earthquake that's ever been recorded in Japan. Ever since the sheer terror of those five minutes in which our building shook and swayed and groaned, and I didn’t know if my daughter and I would make it out alive, I have been glued to the public lens—tv, facebook, text messages, photos—with a surreal combination of horror and paralysis. The devastation north of us is shocking. The normalcy of Tokyo is shocking, too, except that water, rice, and batteries are disappearing from the supermarkets. And looming over everything is the very real chance that a nuclear reactor will melt down and release unfathomably toxic substances into the air, water, and land.

I have been afraid—terrified, really—for 48 hours.

People, I am here to say, that is long enough.

Here is where my fear got me: my head aches. My shoulders ache. My jaw aches, from clenching it. My breath is short and shallow. My heart aches at every sad photograph, and my nervous system is at the mercy of every authoritarian voice broadcasting worry.

In that condition, I am no more useful to the world, my family, or myself than a very anxious marmoset.

So here is how I am changing my frequency. If this stuff is working for me today, it will work for you too—whether you are afraid about your finances, your future, your failing left tail light, or your embarrassing flail in yesterday’s meeting.

1. I turned off the news. I can receive up-to-the-minute information via text, and my heart is already with those who are suffering. When I read information, it goes to my brain and not straight to my primal fight-or-flight response. The music and images of TV news are geared to trigger panic and an empathic flood; I’ve decided not to let myself get triggered.

2. I cleaned my house. This grounded me, calmed me, and got me back into my body, which is a much more reliable navigation system than my shrieking reptile survival brain, what Martha Beck calls my ‘lizard.’ My lizard tells me that we are DOOOOMED. My body tells me that we need to stretch, to sing, to self-soothe with quiet rhythms. (Folding laundry works nicely.)

3. I faced the worst-case scenario. My partner and I came up with a plan for what we would do if the reactor begins to spew, or if there is a serious food crisis in Tokyo, or any of the other frightening scenarios that have been haunting me. Now that I know what I will actually do if any of those events come to pass, I can dismiss them when they clamor for my attention. And the last line of every plan is: “And if none of that works, we wing it as well as we can.” This is actually a pretty good plan.

4. I questioned my scary thoughts. My underlying thought, the one that was making my heart palpitate and my fists clench, was: “We are in danger right this very second!” I asked, “Is this true?” And the answer is, Who the heck knows? We could be, for sure. But then any of us could be in danger at any minute of any day. But what I know right now is that I am sitting in my apartment with running water, electricity, heat, and very fast internet. My loved ones are safe. We are getting the best information we know how to get. So I choose to live in the blissful sense of safety that most of us inhabit when we’re not acutely aware that the sky could fall at any moment. Believing that I am safe is no more arbitrary, at this particular moment in time, than believing that I am in danger, but it feels a lot better and it makes me more insightful, more courageous, and more wise. It lets me think more creatively and compassionately. And all those things, paradoxically, will work to keep me and the ones I love safe. If I am in real physical danger, my system will flood with adrenaline and I will be able to act on the terror I’ve been feeling and suppressing these last two days. I will run, or fight, or negotiate, or do whatever I need to do. Until then, I choose to keep breathing deep, calming breaths (Thanks, Terry DeMeo) and asking myself, “Is that scary thought even true?”

5. I took constructive action. I made up a backpack full of emergency items and our important paperwork. Maybe your constructive action is making a phone call or getting something checked out. Maybe it’s opening the scary envelope or looking at your online balance. You’ll feel better if you just do it, I promise.

6. I let my body release. Because I was with my daughter during the most frightening part of the quake (lying on the floor of our 16th-floor apartment as it pitched and creaked like a ship in a storm), I spent significant energy holding it together for her. We talked a bit about how scared we both were, and she seemed okay, but later she had a major sobbing meltdown about something inconsequential. Then she was perky again. Little kids are very wise that way. I waited until I was alone in bed that night to sob and shudder. With each heave of my shoulders and shuddering quaking tremble, I let some of my fear and tension release. Animals tremble and shudder to shake off trauma; we need to do it too, even when the trauma is only visible to us.

7. I consciously flooded myself with beauty. I listened to music that makes me want to move my body and heal the world. For me this means Christine Kane, The Dixie Chicks, and other things too embarrassing to write here. I also bought flowers today, a big gorgeous bouquet of them, in a flagrant act of flipping the bird at fate. I am buoyed and nourished by their blooming faces as I make my way through my home.

8. I grounded back into my purpose. I had a brief panic about a class I’m teaching in a few weeks, The Queen Sweep. http://www.annakunnecke.com/the-queen-sweep.html I wondered if clearing clutter would seem frivolous in light of global tragedy. I questioned its ultimate value in the world and the worth of the work I do. In other words, I freaked out. Many people are layering their immediate fear with scary thoughts like this about their future worth and their careers. Screw that. In a crisis like this, I’m more glad than ever that I know exactly where to find my passport; that my papers are in order and I’ve declared a guardian for my daughter; that we all have clean underwear and clean sheets to sleep on; and that my home is an oasis of calm and beauty. Whatever the crisis, the world needs people who are sharp, who know their stuff, and know what they can contribute. Be ready to bring what you can to the table.

9. I gazed at my daughter. She is so beautiful. She is so alive through her fear, her joy, her rage, her desire—she doesn’t shut any of it down. It’s all right there, messy and inconvenient at times, but gloriously awake.

10. Most importantly, I remembered that I am the boss of my own energy. I kept waiting for someone to make me feel better, to reassure me, to tell me what to do. Guess what? No one can declare dominion over my life besides me. I have to be the leader that I was waiting for. Chin up, deep breath, flowers on table. Here we go.

my friend erik is so talented.

2011-03-07T07:59:00.000-08:00

he designed this incredible thai massage flier for me...

and then turns around and writes sexy music with creative types who speak of robots...

there is nothing i don't like about this video.

2011-03-01T06:42:00.000-08:00

my highlights are the peace corps volunteers in the first few scenes, the scene of her and husband in hanging out in bed together that look so real and that she is so 100% chola peruvian beautiful and that she loves her country and her country loves her right back.

ps can you tell i am missing peru today?

discovery.

2011-02-27T14:57:00.000-08:00

third floor discovery.

amazingly life-like sculpture of gertrude stein. i kept expecting her to look up and say something poignant to me.

detail of a huge combine of different printing stamps.

this pony looks like driftwood but is really made of brass and is brilliant.

electronic superhighway by nam june paik.

robert motherwell.

a beautiful and somewhat normal-looking painting from alexis rockman (compared this his other wacky, stunning work).

so i've been going to the american art museum/portrait gallery a few times a year since coming back to dc and i love it. i love the beauty of the building, emphasis on photography, proximity to the metro, the atrium (the loudest quietest place in dc), the throne of the third heaven exhibit (fascinating) on the ground floor, and even all the president portraits (i once went through there with my friend justin and memorized each president in order). i could go on and on.

but last saturday i went to meet my abstract painting class for a tour of the rockman exhibit and was late and couldn't find them. finally i ended up noticing that there was another staircase which led to a third floor i never knew existed, a third floor that is full of great work and beautiful architecture. so i forgot about who i was meeting and just i wandered around for an hour by myself, really transported by some of the pieces (and i don't always feel that way about art i see in museums). and then finally found my group just as the tour was breaking up. i hadn't done what i thought i was going to do but i discovered something even more interesting.

this is what i love about life. i feel like i have it all figured out, especially around the things i think i know well, and then something comes and surprises me and i see how far i am from every knowing anything completely. i always marvel at how yoga keeps me interested. i do the same poses all the time, yet they captivate me because it's all happening in the present moment, which is always full interesting things on the secret third floor. it's through this (the lifestyle of yoga, self-awareness) that i learn about myself every day. it's not always easy. lately, i've been really noticing the way that i use frustration and discontent to cover up vulnerability. it's something that i've done in the past a lot, i think. and always blamed it on the relationships not being so good (which definitely was true with a few of them).

but now i am in a relationship with adam, a really great guy who makes me laugh and does yoga next to me and looks at my photo posts each day and has dreams of his own. it's been an amazing past 9 months but man, sometimes when things get really good is when it gets the hardest for me. i read this thing that said that people with addiction are as just as likely to relapse when something intensely wonderful happens to them as when something intensely hard happens. i think intense emotion is so hard (good or bad) for me because it reminds me that i am not in control. i can try to do the best things possible and still not be able to predict the future and whether or not i can hold onto the people and things that i love.

when i think about it, really think about it, i so much prefer to live in a state of wonder and not knowing than control because it is more interesting and always more poetic than what i would create. it keeps me turning, digging, and coming back to who i really am, which is beyond words. i believe who i am, who we are, is that sweet infinite joy and we are most aligned with it when we can keep our thoughts and hearts joyful. so my goal is to learn to tolerate joy, to practice self-awareness when i start to shut down my heart, and to keep on getting excited to find those hidden third floors, inside and out, whether they contain the best of the collection or the dusty bunnies in the attic. because no matter what, there is some interesting shit in there, i just know it.

in closing, i leave you with this song by mason jennings:

Julieta!

2011-02-24T14:29:00.000-08:00

i'm realizing i haven't posted much this month. ah, life. i have lots of ideas that i am excited to share so it's just a matter of finding the extra but i'm thinking that will happen soon. in the meantime, enjoy julieta venegas who i saw on tuesday night and is truly beautiful, talented, and is quite odd in the loveliest of ways.

bitterness doesn't stand a chance...

2011-02-14T11:56:00.000-08:00

mad monk with my brother. he's way bigger than this now (the dog, not my brother).

happy valentines day! this weather is affirming to me that yes, spring is possible and could even be closer than we think. i'm feeling the love today. i had a great partner yoga/thai massage workshop this weekend at yoga district and could feel all the sweetness between all the couples that showed up (very much including the friend couples). i also spent all day saturday photographing dogs for a lucky dog rescue fundraiser. and i found out last night that i am going to photograph the most amazing, traveling couple--allison and david--for their labor day wedding in newport, r.i. so even though adam is far away in morocco finishing up his conference, i feel firmly in the stream of affection.

to celebrate, here are musings on love from three really inspiration people. this first is from brene brown, it's her definition of love that she wrote after compiling her research on the people that she says participate in "whole-hearted" living:

we cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection.

love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them--we can only love others as much as love ourselves.

shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.

this next piece is from my beautiful friend rebecca armendariz about her last days with her boyfriend clark. she submitted it to a matador records contest and made it as a runner-up (although i think hers was the most well-written and moving of the bunch and totally deserved to have a belle & sebastian song written about it):

Clark’s cancer had spread to his hip and so two months before he died he couldn’t really walk. At least not without my help so I was his human crutch crushed on one side anytime he wanted his 33-year-old body moved to another spot in our apartment. After a period of decline he traded me in for a desk chair on wheels and I pushed him around scooping him up from under his armpits when we reached the bathroom. I’d use a firm but tender grip to lower his eggshell body into the tub where he’d sit for hours to make the effort worth it.He hardly left the house except for doctor’s appointments. I’d finally convinced him to wear an adult diaper after too many laundry loads of soaked pants and bed sheets. The first night he slept in it I put one on too and we giggled under piles of blankets together sharing a secret before he nodded off. One spring day we let the air breeze through the front and out the back of the apartment. The buried idea of what he’d been missing was exhumed; he wanted to go outside. We drove a few blocks to a friend’s where we sat in lawn chairs in a sun-soaked driveway. A snapshot of any one particular moment from that afternoon would appear unremarkable to an outsider. We gossiped and laughed. I drank a beer. After a few hours we were home refreshed by our peek at normalcy. I’d almost forgotten what it was like to see that mischievous amorous look in his eye but after helping him to the couch it disappeared. He wanted to do something for me for once. He wanted me to relax. And for the last time before he died I did.

and of course i will give rumi the last word on love (michelle read this during her yoga class yesterday and i just loved it):

A frog and a mouse by Rumi

A mouse and a frog meet every morning on the riverbank.
They sit in a nook of the ground and talk.

Each morning, the second they see each other,
they open easily, telling stories and dreams and secrets,
empty of any fear or suspicious holding back.

To watch, and listen to those two
is to understand how, as it’s written,
sometimes when two beings come together,
Christ becomes visible.

The mouse starts laughing out a story he hasn’t thought of
in five years, and the telling might take five years!
There’s no blocking the speechflow-river-running-
all-carrying momentum that true intimacy is.

Bitterness doesn’t have a chance with those two

desert life forms.

2011-02-06T06:29:00.000-08:00

i'm waking up this morning and feeling this total sense of appreciation for my life. it's a big swirl of lots of things: the practice of yoga and how it helps me to find that inner stability (particularly found through mike graglia's energetic, inspiring class last thursday), the new abstract painting class i am taking at the torpedo factory (you can see my latest painting here), my friends, my friends, they are so inspiring to me and i love them all so much, sweet, steady adam, being so close to my family, new streams of income (thai massage has been building steam lately), spaworld deep relaxation time (i think this relaxation is so key to making everything work), great food (i just had really great affordable sushi at banana leaves in dupont), my amazing house and room and affordable rent, houndstooth photography being so easy and how my clients are always so cool, teaching yoga being so fulfilling these days, the glut natural food co-op and how it gets me thinking of new cooking projects (i just sprouted my first batch of sunflower seeds this week and have been eating them in everything), a great super bowl party with fun, vibrant people last night, byron katie's book "a thousand names for joy" and all work by brene brown (reading them helps me to remember who i am), how great it is to be mobile by bike and car, and i'm still jazzed this morning that obama is our president because even though he is human and imperfect, he's still such a step in the right direction for where our country can go.

it's wonderful, it's not perfect. i still experience doubt, shame, fear every single day but it just feels like my resolve is stronger to feel good these days and bad moods aren't lasting as long. i'm finding quite of bit of joy in facing all of that darker stuff because it seems like no matter what, if i inquire into what is making me suffer, i always find love and light beneath it which is so much stronger and fuller. this quote from byron katie really expresses this for me:

"as you open to the experience of love, it will kill you you think you are. it will have no other. it will kill anything in its way. once you give yourself to love, you lose your whole world as you perceived it. love leaves nothing behind but itself."

jule's debut!

2011-01-31T07:44:00.000-08:00

here are a few pictures from the family photo shoot i did with lindsey, andrew and jules, their new baby. i will admit here that i am not always crazy about babies. usually when a child is about 1 or 2 and starts to develop a personality then i will get into them but in the beginning they just sleep and cry and gurgle and ah, i could take it or leave it.

but jules is a whole different story. this baby has some serious charisma. each morning when i'd wake up and go upstairs for a cup of coffee (i lifted my no-caffeine ban for this vacation), she'd look up from her little post on the floor and give me a big smile that showed her two newly-acquired front teeth. and then i'd smile and then she'd laugh and then i'd laugh and just like that she won me over. so i just love her which is nice because she is my god-daughter and i will know her for a long time to come.

we took these photos are on our last night in kauai, before getting on a red-eye back to the mainland. we had spent the week together and were all feeling so happy and relaxed and i think that comes across in the photos. it makes me happy to be able to take pictures and capture a moment in time like this.

everyday yoga.

2011-01-27T08:40:00.001-08:00

the amazing beautiful photo that adam took of me in eka pada rajakapotasana (king pigeon pose) at waimea canyon in kauai.

even though i am shy about being photographed, i just love this beautiful photo taken by my talented boyfriend adam and wanted to honor it here.

also i wanted to share something i posted to a discussion board for one of the yoga studios where i teach. the amazing hannah posted on her experience of learning more about the importance of abyhasa or "constant practice" with her teacher dharma mittra and asked us the best way to teach this principle to our students. my response follows:

"i have been thinking a lot about the important of practice lately and how that fits into my asana practice and my daily life. i feel like i’m always embarrassed to admit this, but i don’t have a regular daily asana practice. i admire every person i meet who practices everyday and although i love and benefit from every time i get to practice asana during the week , there isn’t always time for it every day in the way my life is currently structured. but i do have a daily writing practice that is so grounding for me that i have found it to be non-negotiable to my overall happiness. also, i have a sleeping practice of getting 7-9 hours every night and a cooking practice of making sure that i eat well and locally as much as possible and a compassion practice of connecting with my friends and family and a creation practice of making art and blogging and a prosperity practice of making sure i am earning money and being financially responsible. i feel like all of these things are so important to my overall sense of balance and well-being, as is my asana practice.

so i guess i am trying to say that i am finding that my yoga is finding this balance and oneness with all the many parts of the life and trying to live as much as i can from a place of appreciation and connection. i was reading this part in autobiography of a yogi last night that really struck me:

“the greater master therefore did not encourage the old ideal of a yogi as a wondering ascetic with a begging bowl. he stressed, rather, the advantages to a yogi of earning his own living, of not being dependent on a hard-pressed society for support, and of practising yoga in the privacy of his home. to this counsel lahiri mahasaya added the heartening force of his own example. he was a modern, “streamlined” model of a yogi. his way of life, as planned by babaji, was intended to be a guide for aspiring yogis in all parts of the world.”

i think that we can be these really great models to our students of how to be balanced in all parts of our life and available to hold space for their own search from balance. we can teach them that yoga is finding the union in good times and in difficult times and in important-seeming tasks and menial-seeming tasks and that the energy we put forth in what we do is more important than the action. and that practicing love–especially with ourselves–is always always the best option and way to connect with that oneness. i think that the practice naturally reveals all of these things, but it helps to have a few good teachers along the way, as i have had."

authentically yours.

2011-01-25T13:15:00.000-08:00

here is one of my favorite quotes from brene brown's new amazing book, the gifts of imperfection. i'll write more about this later but just let this definition sink in. i keep reading it and find it to be so inspiring and just little be terrifying. i mean, who am i if i am not living for other people? (this is the question that is motivating just about everything these days.

i also wanted to mention that i am hosting a yoga/thai massage workshop this weekend at quiet mind on sunday from 1:30-3:30pm. as the description goes: "steeped in asian wisdom and the yogic practice, Thai yoga therapy combines meditative breathing, deep stretching and acupressure massage to give a full-body relaxation with many health benefits. This "passive yoga" has been practiced for thousands of years to achieve a state of well-being and has many energetic and physical benefits for both the giver and the receiver.

extra bonus, there is a discounted rate for couples (friends are fine). if you are interested, you can sign up for it here. :)

a few kauai pictures.

2011-01-24T10:18:00.000-08:00

kauai sunrise.

adam, oh adam.

adam took this one of the beach where we took walked one morning to see the sunrise.

hanalei bay.

lindsey and beautiful jules.

this is a taste of our magical hawaiian adventure. although we did not see a single lei and see a hulu dance on this vacation, we did really get a feel for the hang-loose, aloha hawaiian spirit. kauai is stunningly goregeous--mountains and beach and red clay earth. some of my highlights from the trip were hiking the napali coast, seeing the spectacular waimea canyon from a few different view points, getting incredible in-house massages with pete, hiking to a little beach with adam one morning to swim and watch the sunset, having the best sushi of my life in hanalei, and spending so much time with my best friend lindsey, her husband andrew, and their adorable baby jules. they are really special people who used to live busy lives in nyc where they rarely felt healthy. then they decided to take a good look at their values and chose a different way of life for the past three years. they have decided to move back to the mainland this spring so jules can be closer to her family so it was special to be with them for their last few months in paradise.

oh and now i am so fully back in dc and pretty glad for it. i'm breathing into the cold and teaching a lot of yoga and taking breaks to go to spa world. it's good to go away so i can realize how much i have waiting for me when i get back. i'm am still writing a bigger post in my head about some ideas i've been thinking about like vulnerability, acceptance and body hair so check back in soon for that. today i am appreciating my healthy body (that has much more open hips after the really intense yoga class i took with hawah yesterday morning), local food, a good chat with my mom, houndstooth clients, fun times with adam, and living in my neighborhood. we raised $180 for the people affected by the house fire at our benefit class at yoga district on saturday and also sent so much good energy their way. that makes me happy.

also, it makes me happy that my good friend aviyah and her fiance clint just opened up a store on u street called rock it again. they have spent the past few years selling their amazing vintages coats and accessories at eastern market and now they are adding a full store to that. i went by to browse on friday and ended up with an awesome vest and hat that make me feel so fashionable. go see for yourself!

ledroit fire.

2011-01-17T18:58:00.000-08:00

i took this photo today a half a block from my house. i had never seen anything like it and was really afraid that the whole row of house would burn. finally the firefighters exploded a fire extinguisher bomb-type thing inside the house and finally got it under control. many kudos to them!

luckily, no one was seriously injured but the house was completely destroyed. i had my yoga class dedicate their practice to the families involved and would also love it if all you guys would send some my neighbors your good energies as well.

we got back in from hawaii/phoenix last night. it was incredible! aloha aloha aloha. i am writing a post in my head right so stay tuned for that and some photos from the garden island, one of the most beautiful places i've ever been.

this photo was on the daily dish!

2011-01-12T10:54:00.000-08:00

yuagas shaman in her traditional dress.

you can read about it here. it makes me again think about what an amazing experience ayahuasca is and how grateful i was to be able to document it all and really be in it. i still think that i am gaining so much from that plant. (and i am grateful to have an ex who blogs for andrew sullivan and thought of me when he needed a photo accompaniment for the piece :)

hope everyone is staying warm and safe. love from kauai! it is so amazing here which i will write about in more detail when i get back.

bringing in 2011.

2011-01-03T10:22:00.000-08:00

this year has been: celebration, nourishing traditions, arm balances, falling in love with a great guy (thanks adam!), breathing into it and watching it all change, my first gallery show in almost 10 years, riding my bike everywhere for the first 11 months and now my prius (and my bike) for the last month, blue-green algae, coming home to peru and finding it so lovely and seeming like it remembered me, micheal franti at wolf trap, lots of practice for the sake of practice, produce boxes from timor and the cooking that came out of them, stability, gratitude for old friends and excitement for new ones, abraham hicks (live once in orlando and recordings) helping things make more sense, arrested development, sweating it out, writing it down each morning with a lot of consistency, pachamama, india in january full of ritual, growth, and things i still can't explain but left an opening, love-o-rama, this blog, ayahuasca's wisdom showing me again that i am just love, novels that delighted me (still life with woodpecker), confused me (the wind-up bird chronicles) and that broke my heart (a fine balance and 1000 splendid sons) finding my groove teaching yoga and photographing pets, community acupuncture, art classes at nova that left me humbled and hungry for more, jellyfish halloween costumes, the artist way, the broken bells, five weddings (two ethiopian ones i photographed, three of dear friends), unexpected cultural exchange (i.e. ethiopian weddings), 101 cookbooks, flirting with playing the piano, family beach week, still not being crazy about hosting parties, seeing wendell berry read, horse photography, getting better at saying no, restorative yoga, great conversations, bootleg kombucha and the beginnings of other experiments in fermentation, spaworld, iyengar more in the beginning of the year and now more ashtanga, a puppy in the family (welcome monk!), krishna das and mc yogi, outreach yoga in spanish, moving in lots of different worlds, acroyoga and thai massage, the joy of getting out of town, mary oliver and hafiz's poetry, my 10 year high school reunion, letting go of trying to control other people (and picking it up and letting it go and...), the march for sanity, and this crazy saturn of mine returning.

wow, that seems like a lot when i write it all down. it's been a seriously full, big, changing, fun year and it only felt right to close it out in pittsburgh with some of my favorite people in the world that make me laugh so hard it hurts (it sounds cliched but it's true with them).

and conversely, we opened up 2011 together! i'm not hugely into resolutions but here are a few things i hope to do in 2011:

--take and post a photo a day
--say no more often to the things i don't want to do so i can say yes to the things i love to do
--take a retreat for myself (maybe a meditation retreat or a trip to the beach)
--drum at the drum circle
--attend a yoga journal conference
--make my personal photography/art website
--show my photography again
--learn how to use my scanner and start posting some of my illustrated journal collages
--practice more ashtanga
--take a yin or restorative teacher training
--start giving thai massages professionally
--give a yoga workshop
--make more collaborative art
--spend more time hanging out with people i love without a motive, plan, goal
--take an artist date each week
--read something i've written publicly
--read: the satanic verses, love in the time of cholera, how to be an explorer or the world (do the activities for this one)
--start sprouting my grains and further explore the wonders of fermentation
--photograph and post more of my cooking explorations on this blog
--read great books, watch inspiring movies, take advantage of the galleries in dc
--play more, have more fun, create more, take it all less seriously

these don't feel as much like resolutions to me as much as things that are ready to start coming into my life which i am making it a point to allow. i had other ideas but if i felt a sense of stress when i started to write it down, i decided not to include it. i want this to be my year of playfulness and creation so that has to start now.

happy 2011! thank you all for supporting me throughout this past year and into the new one. i look forward to all kinds of creative explorations and revelations and surprises and that good life stuff. i am leaving for kauai with adam on thursday to visit some dear friends and i couldn't be more excited about it. i'll try to post while i'm there but for sure follow my flickr feed for photo updates of the trip.

creative recovery.

2010-12-27T15:53:00.000-08:00

shine any way you can.

happy holidays everyone! i hope it's been a good festive time for you all and no one is stranded in airports and if you are stranded in airports that you are talking to the person next to you and finding out that your cousins are best friends and the you have the same favorite book.

it's been a good one here. it's been busy, full of family and food and a good round of trivial pursuit (my brother and i being the winners always makes it a good round). i didn't feel like i fully got the downtime that i've been craving but i figure that can wait until kauaii in just a little bit less than a week! oh my, i am so looking forward to being on that beautiful island with such good people.

so it's the end of the year, which means that i am one week away from finishing up my round #3 with the artist way. i had to answer these questions for this week's activities and i was surprised by how clear i sounded in my answers. the idea of a "creative recovery" is such a big, amorphous one but it's true that i really do see a lot of tangible results and changes and ideas.

five ways i've changed since beginning this creative recovery:
1. i have become clearer, more organized in my creative time
2. i have made self-care more of a priority and seen the massive benefits
3. i have become better at taking little steps toward a bigger goal and trusting in the power of them even when my mind is telling me its pointless (like picking up the book again yesterday when i really wanted to skip these last two weeks)
4. i now more fully recognize the value of having fun and playing
5. i see how important creativity is to my overall health as a person

five ways i'll change as i continue:
1. i'll become more disciplined in giving myself creative time
2. my artist dates will become as important of as practice as writing my morning pages
3. my creative community will become more defined and take on a greater importance in my life
4. i will say "no" more often and with less guilt
5. i will have more energy to do what excites me and to connect fully to the people in my life

five ways i'll nurture myself in these next six months:
1. i'll go to spa world at least once a month
2. i'll sign up for a class on making creative sketchbooks at the torpedo factory
3. i'll make time to practice/give thai massage once a week
4. i will use tuesdays as my time to make art/create and take my artist dates
5. i will go to poolesville, md to see the buddhist temple and to baltimore to go to the visionary art museum

writing these lists down i see that these changes are really not big glamorous things. the artist way is really just about a commitment to doing the things i know make me feel good and help me to go in the direction of my dreams. it's kind of like yoga for me. the more i study yoga, the more i see that this practice is all about learning how to see beyond the negative patterns of the mind and thus connect with the bigger whole of myself. it's all about the practice of treating myself well when my mind is telling me that i am not worth that kind of treatment.

so yeah, it's been a great 2010 and i am excited about the possibilities for 2011. i'm going to do my yearly round-up in the next few days here so check back for that. in the meantime, enjoy this ted talk which made so much sense to me:

this puppy needs a home.

2010-12-17T06:31:00.000-08:00

ah god, how adorable! and sad because someone abandoned this bad boy out in the snow. if you know of anyone looking to adopt a dog, please let me know!

the waterfall

2010-12-14T14:50:00.000-08:00

sauce, peru

“The Waterfall” – for May Swenson
~by Mary Oliver~

For all the said,
I could not see the waterfall
until I came and saw the water falling,
its lace legs and its womanly arms sheeting down,

while something howled like thunder,
over the rocks,
all day and all night –
unspooling

like ribbons made of snow,
or god’s white hair.
At any distance
it fell without a break or seam, and slowly, a simple

preponderance –
a fall of flowers – and truly it seemed
surprised by the unexpected kindness of the air and
light-hearted to be

flying at last.
Gravity is a fact everybody
knows about.
It is always underfoot,

like a summons,
gravel-backed and mossy,
in every beetled basin –
and imagination –

that striver,
that third eye –
can do a lot but
hardly everything. The white, scrolled

wings of the tumbling water
I never could have
imagined. And maybe there will be,
after all,

some slack and perfectly balanced
blind and rough peace, finally,
in the deep and green and utterly motionless pools after all that
falling?

so inspiring. i just made my first loan!

2010-12-10T19:06:00.001-08:00

photos from these past weeks, getting okay with b's

2010-11-29T12:41:00.000-08:00

The aim of an artist is not to solve a problem irrefutably, but to make people love life in all its countless, inexhaustible manifestations,” - Leo Tolstoy

oh man, i don't even know where to start. i have not been keeping up in these past weeks because life has been moving really fast. but i've been writing posts in my head because i don't really see the point in living and having experiences if i can't take time every now and then to contemplate what it means to me.

let's start with where i am. tonight is sunday and i photographed dogs all day in virginia. it's chilly outside and the heat is broken so my roommates and i are huddled with our laptops around the dining room table surrounded by our two tiny space heaters. natalie merchant's nursery rhymes album is playing from the kitchen. i just made a batch of gingered carrots that i am going to ferment over the next few days with my fingers crossed (i've been reading nourishing traditions and rethinking a few ideas about what i put into my body) i've been laughing with my roommates all evening and it makes me think about when people had to spend time together in one room because of scarce heating sources and how maybe that wasn't such a bad thing. adam is africa for the next week or so and i'm already missing him a bit. i bought a car last week, a beautiful cornflower blue prius, and i am still marveling at how nice and easy it has made the rush of holiday photography work.

things are good, really good, but of course not without some bumps. i had a conversation with my dad this evening that left me feeling defensive about a really small disagreement. i got a parking ticket that first time i drove my car. i was running late to teach and frazzled and although i did pay the meter and stick the little receipt in the right area on my dashboard, i neglected to see the fire hydrant two feet away from my car. doh. this week i also got back a grade on a design project. it was a really big project that i had worked on for over 30 hours and thought looked pretty good. my grade was a b. i felt it right away in my stomach but made a joke about it to hide my disappointment from my classmates. right after i went through a critique on another project where my work was praised but i was still upset about that b for a few hours. i was upset that i had worked so hard on something and it had been judged less than excellent and then i was upset that i was so upset about it.

no matter how many times i realize that my life is not about perfection, on some level i still think i should be the best at whatever i do, no matter how hard or new it is. that feeling brings me back to what it was like when i was in high school. that was a time in my life when i put so much pressure on myself to succeed that i didn't really know how to have fun. i distinctly remember the last day of school of my junior year of high school when i looked at my report card and was surprised by a b and a b+ and spent the afternoon teary and feeling sorry for myself instead of hanging out with my friends and celebrating the start of summer. i blame some of this on growing up in the super-competitive fairfax county area and a little bit on being in a family of over-workers and partially on my own instinct of perfection as self-preservation. as wrong as i know this is, i think the instinct is that if i am just perfect enough then i won't be able to get hurt.

after high school i started to gain some perspective. i went to college in a laid-back, midwestern where i was surrounded by people with dreadlocks and went on float trips. i partied and relaxed and learned to love the photojournalism work i was doing apart from the grade. then if followed that with the peace corps--a experience where the only way you can succeed is by submission to disappointment and then enjoying whatever rises up from the ash. two years in latin america really did the trick for me. it was a culture where my version of success really didn't mean that much to the people i lived with which helped me to see how it's all just perception anyway.

everything in my life teaches me about the process and this is no acceptation. a major tenant of yogic philosophy is that you must work really hard while totally releasing the results of what comes from the effort. you must try without expectation and trust that whatever comes is for your highest good. i don't know about you guys but i think this is really hard. one part of me accepts it while the other still wants everything to go the way i think it should and pouts when it doesn't. but i guess the pouting is also part of the process and probably an important one at that. i am lucky to have been able to set my life up in a way where there are not a lot of opportunities for hard line definitions of success (except for the occasional community college grade). i try my hardest to base my decisions on joy and mostly that brings me joy and the more i experience this the more it connects me to my heart and the more i can see that this is really what makes the world go round.

LOVE-O-RAMA!

2010-11-22T06:54:00.000-08:00

oh god this picture makes me happy!

2010-11-10T12:02:00.000-08:00

this week has been silver nail polish, traveling atlanta and back again to photograph another ethiopian wedding which felt amazing, the really interesting nutrition book "healing traditions" which made me want to make my own kimchi, lots of sleep, sketching CSA radishes for my drawing assignment, party planning for LOVE-O-RAMA and having so much fun with it, seriously looking to buy a car because i it would be so kind to myself to not have to hustle every time i need a ride somewhere, salads with fresh arugula, toasted walnuts and blue cheese, an artist date at target where i looked for things that felt girly and pretty, crying as i finished "ten thousand splendid suns" because it was sad and beautiful, crying as i wrote my morning pages this morning and still not being sure why, starting the week #6 chapter in the artist way on abundance and really feeling it, trusting that i will have time to do everything that needs to be done (even though this design project i am working on right now seems really big), lots of backbends, warms baths, realizing that relationships require a lot of understanding, a great chat with my life coach cj where we talked about how to please yourself so you can relieve everyone else of that responsibility, fresh-baked cookies, faith in the process of all this unfolding, the feeling of having enough, not teaching so much this week and feeling recharged by it, excitement about the holidays, the everyday abundance of buying myself some nice moisturizer in the altanta airport--i did it so fast that i didn't have time to talk myself out of it :)

"music is god"

2010-11-04T11:52:00.000-07:00

i know i am from my generation because i am always hesitant to watch any youtube clip over five minutes. but i quickly got enraptured by this amazing story of the oldest living holacaust survivor who is just full of love and optimism about life. it made me feel warm inside on this rainy cold day we are having.

a few crazy pictures from a very sane march.

2010-11-03T16:10:00.000-07:00

5 questions.

2010-11-03T08:51:00.001-07:00

i was just featured as quiet mind's featured teacher in their november newsletter and i wanted to share. thanks for asking me these questions rita, they really made me think.

featured teacher: gracy obuchowicz

when and how did you start teaching yoga?

i started teaching yoga a year ago when i completed the yogaworks training at quiet mind. before the training i had been practicing seriously for about 5 years and had reached the point in my practice where i was ready to expand to the next thing. there was this small voice inside of me that kept telling me that i needed to teach yoga but i had every excuse for why i wasn't ready yet. but the voice persisted and so i researched trainings and found out that yogaworks was coming to dc for an august intensive. i talked to chrissy carter, our teacher trainer, and she assured me that all of my doubts were normal and that all i needed to become a teacher was to have a strong desire, which i definitely did. i decided to listen to her and took the plunge and have been richly rewarded every since.

do you have any advice for your students on their yoga journey?

i advise them to really regard their practice as a journey. i can do so many things now that i couldn't do before and i know that i will keep evolving in my practice. before i became an instructor i used to push myself really hard thinking that i had to "win" at yoga. i realize now that there will always be things that i can't do and that can serve as the drive that keeps me going. for me, the most important aspect of yoga is taking time to listen to that voice inside of myself, really learning to recognize how my mind works and practicing compassion with myself and the world around me.

what is your teaching philosophy?

my teaching philosophy is that yoga should be challenging and fun at the same time. i love the yoga sutra where patanjali says that an asana should have both sthira (strength) and sukha (ease) and i am always encouraging my students to find a way to engage themselves and their bodies that also allows for strength and flow. i believe if we can master that on the mat that it becomes a lot easier to find that in our daily lives. i think everything about the way we live our lives shows up on the mats. if we take the time, yoga can help us to take a good honest look at ourselves and our habits and from there we can start to make some thoughtful changes. i hold the space for my students to do that work for themselves and try to make them laugh once in a while so they don't take it all too seriously.

how do you integrate your life with yoga and yoga with your life?

for me, yoga shows up everywhere. i do a lot of things--photography, massage, art, business, teaching--and yoga is the thread that ties it all together. yoga helps me to be present no matter what i am doing and how to trust in the process of things. i am currently working through "the artist way" (an amazing 12 week program that help connect you to your creative dreams) for the third time and this time really seeing it through a yogic filter. i agree with the author, julia cameron, when she talks about how through our habits and fears, we can really block ourselves off from an awesome creative flow that is our birthright as human beings. i am experimenting a lot with my current beliefs about money, time, business and seeing some awesome results. yoga helps me to see that i can make my life as beautiful and bright as i want it to be and it also helps me to be easy with myself when i have a down day and just need a long bath and some chocolate.

what is your funniest yoga teaching moment?
my first night teaching a class i was subbing for another teacher and the intern didn't show up. i had been hoping that only a few people would come but over 20 people came to the class that night. i didn't know how to use the computer system so couldn't sign anyone in. worse, i couldn't get the lights to turn on so we ended up doing an impromptu candlelight class. i was so nervous but tried not to let it show and just kept moving forward and tried to remember to breath. by the time i taught headstand i finally started to relax and enjoy myself. it actually turned out to be a really nice class and i figured after that i could handle just about anything when i was teaching.

dating myself.

2010-10-29T08:02:00.000-07:00

jack.

jack in another form...

this is a picture of jack (who fully owns his name) and what became of the pieces i cut out to make jack's smiling face. i guess that is a sign that i am growing up that it seemed silly to throw away the extra pumpkin. so i roasted the oddly-shaped pieces and the seeds with some old bay seasoning and a spice mix i picked up in isreal and then mixed it together with pasta and sauteed greens from my weekly produce box which comes from the always-charming timor bodega.

i'm also excited for my halloween costume...i'm going to be a jellyfish!

man i think it's been at least 10 years since i've gotten into anything having to do with halloween and i'm not sure what's gotten into me this year. well, i do have a few ideas. i'm doing the artist way program right now (it's an awesome 12 week program that gets you in touch with your creative self). actually, i'm co-facilitating a group of yogis in doing the process. i've done it two times before but never fully finished either time. this time though i have this extra level of responsibility of making sure i do all activities and exercises.

as i've written about before, i like the morning writing part of it and it's been part of my daily practice off and on for the past six years. but there is another part of the artist way called "the artist date" which is much more challenging for me. all it consists of is taking myself out to do one fun thing by myself once a week. it should be easy, but oh my, it causes me so much stress. i can never figure out what i want to do and as soon as i decide i immediately start making excuses about how i really should be writing emails or catching up on working or calling someone.

the first week, i really had to hold myself to taking a sunny afternoon in meridian hill park. i was not excited about it but rather felt something like dread. i packed way too many books in my book bag and as i rode my bike over there, my dread turned to anxiety--kind of like i was going on a first date. but the afternoon turned out to be nice. i read yael flushburg's amazing new book of poetry and lay quietly on the blanket and took some time to examine some leaves close up and flipped through a book of vintage dog photographs that has sat on my desk for sometime. then i got up and went home and wondered what all the nervousness was about.

i've had three dates since then and each one has provoked the same kind of anxiety so much so that i've come to know i am doing my date right when i feel this way. i've figured out that if i am scared, then i am going into vulnerable territory and i think this is what these dates are all about.

but why? why can i have fun with other people and work by myself by not be able to have fun by myself? i think it's all a question of generosity. i am very good at giving to other people. i come from a long-line of people pleasers and have learned well. the up side to this is that i really do enjoy sharing kindness and seeing its effects on my friends and strangers. unfortunately though, the same family lineage is also full of passive aggressive people who don't know the first thing when it comes to taking care of themselves.

my pattern is that i will give and give and give to other people until i felt exhausted. this exhaustion can sometimes turned into a deep anger which wells up in me (people pleasers can't express anger of course) until it comes out in an awkward, inopportune way that leaves hurt feelings. it usually happens with the people that i love the most. yuck.

so the way that i've found to help this is to start taking care of myself in as many ways i can think of and the artist dates are the truest expression of that i can see. i think its scary to me because on some level i'm still not sure i am worthy of all this time and attention and fun. it challenges a lot of the way i have been brought up and is making me change the whole way i do business in my life.

but since i've been making myself push through it, i've been noticing some really nice changes. i've been expressing my emotions in a much cleaner way (nicely worded emails asking for what i need instead of long periods of silence followed by martyrdom) and people have been responding so well to my requests. i've also been noticing that feel like i have much more free time and my prosperity has been kicking it up a notch. (i must share--i actually got a really expensive medical test refunded to me out of the blue today--when does that ever happen?)

so if something about the idea of two hours just for you to get out and take care of yourself each week scares you, then i suggest you give it a try. we all think we have to work harder to change ourselves but i really don't think that is true. we are a culture of over-workers and i don't think we are any closer to enjoying our lives. i think real change comes with incredible self-care and a compassionate curiosity about the way we are put together.

i believe that once we take the time to listen, we naturally know what we need to do. that's the easy part. the hard part is acknowledging that we really do have something to say.

ps: carving jack was my best artist date yet! i felt like i was eight again.

cute.

2010-10-23T16:06:00.001-07:00

vitality, life force, quickening...

2010-10-15T05:24:00.000-07:00

i love this picture of my grandmother.

here are some pictures from the lovely, relaxing week at the beach i took with my mom's side of the family in august. on this cold morning when i am feeling busy, it's nice to look at these and remember.

i was reading this great book yesterday and it said that the root of the work art means "to link" or make connections which reminds me a whole lot of how the work yoga means to "to yoke" or join together. i got a little giddy when i read that.

also, this interview on npr this morning about the actor/artist james franco really inspired me because like him i feel like i am doing 20 different things and want to do 20 more and always feeling like i am being unfocused in some way, but maybe, hopefully, just like yoga and art, i will come to a point where i see that it all connects together.

and has everyone seen this ted talk with liz gilbert where she talks about writing and inspiration? it's a great one to watch when you need to go a little easier on yourself about your creative life.

i can't remember if i have already posted this but i love this quote by martha graham enough that i will risk putting it up here again. i've been reading in my classes this week because i know how easy it is to judge your practice and forget that it doesn't matter what it looks like, it's only important that you do it:

"There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. ... No artist is pleased. [There is] no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others"

happy friday!

exhaust the primitive.

2010-10-12T14:33:00.000-07:00

meridian hill.

i really dug my horoscope this week:

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): For your assignment this week, I have
borrowed from a list of suggestions offered by Sagittarius poet Kenneth
Patchen in his book *The Journal of Albion Moonlight.* Feel free to
improvise as you carry out at least three. 1. Discourage all traces of
shame. 2. Bear no cross. 3. Extend all boundaries. 4. Blush perpetually in
gaping innocence. 5. Burrow beneath the subconscious. 6. Pass from one
world to another in carefree devotion. 7. Exhaust the primitive. 8.
Generate the free brain. 9. Forego no succulent filth. 10. Verify the
irrational. 11. Acquire a sublime reputation. 12. Make one monster at
least. 13. Multiply all opinions. 14. Inhabit everyone.

and this is a dream come true for me and a big move forward for the fermentation revolution. i love the west coast sometimes.

oh and the colorforms exhibit at the hirshhorn is pretty incredible (especially james turrell's "milk run") and this superflex video about a flooded mcdonalds.

simply sadie.

2010-10-10T18:05:00.000-07:00

isn't this child amazing? she has such a powerful, beautiful presence. i believe that babies are actually great teachers because they have such good positive energy and know how to move right through emotions and stay in wonderment. i got to photograph sadie when she was in her mama's stomach and it's cool to see that truly, babies quickly grow and develop into their own people. as well-intentioned adults, we only shepherd the process a bit. ah, the miracle of life.

i'm listening to bessie smith and boombox tonight and into writing things down. the weather has been perfect this weekend and i have moved along to one thing and then another. i took pictures of a beautiful new author and also of a good variety of dogs. i shared food with many people at a canadian thanksgiving and helped film some very interesting canada-themed shorts. i taught yoga to a group of homeless runners and volunteers. i'm learning to see my family as some of the best teachers on this planet and how they can help give me the freedom to love myself if i can stay present. i have been basking in how wonderful it feels to just be honest and trust that it's okay. i have also been spending some time with a good cuddle partner, adam, and am amazed by how balancing it has been for me to be in a such a sweet, fun relationship these days.

i have a little break from my art classes over the next two weeks. i want to spend time writing and sketching and having a good listen to myself this week so i can keep the channel clear and the light bright.

artist statement.

2010-10-04T18:52:00.001-07:00

i think she was my favorite.

thanks to everyone who came out on saturday night! it was a magical night and each person there added a special something. it reaffirms my believe in the power of our dreams. i have had that specific daydream for the past couple of years and i'm amazed by how perfectly it came together. it was amazing to show with hope and at the yoga studio, surrounded by great people and raising money for a cause i really believe in.

i think one of the best parts of showing my work was being able to write my artist statement and through it figure out what i have been doing with my traveling and my picture taking over the past few years. i've been really grateful for all the experiences i've had but there have been some days where i've had to ask myself why i can't stay put and put together a real website and be a more "normal" artist. it feels funny to even write that but i think that can be the hardest thing about doing this kind of wandering is that it doesn't take place on the head level but comes straight from the heart. thus, its really important and we don't really know why we are doing it until much later one which left a lot of time for confusion when i wasn't in a good head space.

one of my favorite quotes is by zora neal hurston about how there are years that ask questions and years that answer. i think i'm definitely in answering mode of late but i don't think it could have been so sweet if the asking hadn't been so deep down and mysterious.

here is my statement:

the truth is that i haven’t spent much time distinguishing my photographs from the life experiences that inspired me to take them.

the little girl on the train between berlin and malmo was my first time carrying all of my belongings in a backpack, my journal close to me so i could record it all.

the family in nazareth was when i traveled to a sacred spot for no reason other than a hunch that it would change me in some way. it was back in the quiet stone streets of the city that they rounded the corner and made me miss my own family.

the grandmother with the thick glasses was when i left the ashram near bangalore, to find that i could make myself at home almost anywhere in the world yet still was searching so deeply for something.

for this reason, it’s always been hard to call myself an artist. it seemed like the act of creation should be deliberate whereas i was just wandering, searching, asking, and using my camera to find the answers around me.

now, after years of practicing and teaching yoga i am realizing the importance of this flow. i make my art not to stop time but rather to move alongside it for a while, going deeper into the present moment and exploring how it connects all things. through these photographs i have begun to know myself, the greater me, and the true light that shines there.

many of these photographs were taken in peru where i have lived and traveled extensively over the past five years. i first went in 2005 to work on a documentary about maternal healthcare in the andes and during this time was introduced to the pachamama, the mother earth spirit worshiped by the incans and who is still revered by the people of peru. during this trip, i participated in ceremonies for her, offered her coca leaves and my prayers, and returned home feeling deeply healed.

i was called back again as a peace corps volunteer and later to film another documentary about shamanism in the amazon. throughout it all, peru has become my second home and collectively, another mother to me. i’ve been privileged to know many peruvian woman and am always amazed by their love, resilience, and how they never think twice about offering a stranger a place at their table.

i dedicate these photographs to the woman of the world, the men who are raised by them and that feminine pachamama energy that keeps moving us all right along, exactly on her own schedule.

***

speaking of mothering, check these guys out.

i like this piece from slate about the creative process a couple who writes and illustrates childrens books.

see you saturday!

2010-10-01T12:56:00.000-07:00

here are three of the photographs that i am going to show tomorrow night at the yoga activist fundraiser. the theme of the night is mothering and feminine energy. yesterday i saw the paintings that hope hodges is going to show and they are rich with the good womanly stuff. i really hope you all can make it out!

i got so emotional about seeing my photographs when they came back from the framers! my photographs have always had so much meaning for me because they represent all these experiences that i have been so lucky to have in my life but now they are going out to reach a much larger audience and will affect them in their own way. all these little experiences are going to get bigger in a way they deserve because

its funny how you take a step in the right direction and then everything just falls into place. i signed up for art classes at nova and have been lugging a huge portfolio case and getting my hands covered in charcoal two days a week since the end of august. and then i got asked to put my photographs in an art show and another offer to lead the artists way through another yoga studio.

it's big and emotional too. i've noticed that i have some blocks about letting these dreams come true and so much nervousness about not doing it the "right way." but right now i am freshly showered and ready to teach about the artists way tonight and talk about these photographs tomorrow and just take it as it comes, step after step after step on this creative path that doesn't seem to have an ending point.

when i was walking home with my portfolio yesterday, a girl on the street asked me if i was an artist. i had to thinking about it for a second and i got shy and said, "i am trying to be." i'm changing that answer now. yes! yes yes! i am an artist, in all my imperfect glory and willing to put that out into the world for whatever worth the world can find in it.

wishing you all good creative dreams come true and a lovely weekend.

amazing wedding video.

2010-09-27T12:45:00.001-07:00

Laura and Matt from Studio 272 on Vimeo.

cajamarca weddings and simple truths

2010-09-17T06:20:00.000-07:00

here are a few photographs from matt and laura's incredible wedding in cajamarca, peru this past june. i didn't officially photograph the wedding but i did manage to take a few pictures that i think hint at the total love and joy that this wedding evoked from everybody. it was such a total marrying of not only two people who really love each other but also two different cultures (there were about 80 americans and 80 peruvians in attendance). i love it that each wedding i go to these days is a little different but each one is so perfect for the couple.

and here is an excerpt from the david foster wallace's commencement speech that he gave at kenyon college in 2005. it's wise, insightful and totally inline with what i think yoga teaches us to do--have a bit of control over our thoughts and use this to give life the benefit of the doubt as much as we can. in hindsight, its also a somewhat tragic speech because he brings up suicide a few times in the speech and then he actually did end up hanging himself in 2009 after battling with depression for 20+ years. still, i think he really does have an enlightened perspective here. it's really good, unpretentious advice for living as happily as possible:

Because here's something else that's weird but true: in the day-to-day trenches of adult life, there is actually no such thing as atheism. There is no such thing as not worshipping. Everybody worships. The only choice we get is what to worship. And the compelling reason for maybe choosing some sort of god or spiritual-type thing to worship--be it JC or Allah, be it YHWH or the Wiccan Mother Goddess, or the Four Noble Truths, or some inviolable set of ethical principles--is that pretty much anything else you worship will eat you alive. If you worship money and things, if they are where you tap real meaning in life, then you will never have enough, never feel you have enough. It's the truth. Worship your body and beauty and sexual allure and you will always feel ugly. And when time and age start showing, you will die a million deaths before they finally grieve you. On one level, we all know this stuff already. It's been codified as myths, proverbs, clichés, epigrams, parables; the skeleton of every great story. The whole trick is keeping the truth up front in daily consciousness.

Worship power, you will end up feeling weak and afraid, and you will need ever more power over others to numb you to your own fear. Worship your intellect, being seen as smart, you will end up feeling stupid, a fraud, always on the verge of being found out. But the insidious thing about these forms of worship is not that they're evil or sinful, it's that they're unconscious. They are default settings.

They're the kind of worship you just gradually slip into, day after day, getting more and more selective about what you see and how you measure value without ever being fully aware that that's what you're doing.

And the so-called real world will not discourage you from operating on your default settings, because the so-called real world of men and money and power hums merrily along in a pool of fear and anger and frustration and craving and worship of self. Our own present culture has harnessed these forces in ways that have yielded extraordinary wealth and comfort and personal freedom. The freedom all to be lords of our tiny skull-sized kingdoms, alone at the centre of all creation. This kind of freedom has much to recommend it. But of course there are all different kinds of freedom, and the kind that is most precious you will not hear much talk about much in the great outside world of wanting and achieving.... The really important kind of freedom involves attention and awareness and discipline, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them over and over in myriad petty, unsexy ways every day.

That is real freedom. That is being educated, and understanding how to think. The alternative is unconsciousness, the default setting, the rat race, the constant gnawing sense of having had, and lost, some infinite thing.

corn chowder and zucchini bread.

2010-09-13T11:32:00.000-07:00

remember a few weeks ago when corn was super cheap? well, i overbought and saved it from going bad by making america's test kitchen's corn chowder with a few loaves of zucchini bread for a little last-minute dinner party. that was right around the time that i got my 100mm macro lens so the result was some pretty food photographs which i took and promptly forgot about until now.

this last week was busy. i am adding new classes, teaching an outreach class at the really cool breakfast program for the homeless called thrive dc (nicknamed "the 930 club" because they one of the later breakfast programs in dc) and starting back with after-school kids yoga classes at shaw outreach ministries (we had our first class on wednesday and the younger kids were out of control, literally running around in circles, yet so adorable that i couldn't get mad). plus i'm teaching a new happy hour (emphasis on the happy :) yoga class at quiet mind yoga on fridays at 5:15pm.

i'm also getting ready for my first art show in 10 years at yoga district's bloomingdale studio. i am showing 10 photographs along with the work of the amazing abstract painter and fellow yogini, hope hodges in a show called "motherscapes: contemplating the feminine in nature" which opens on october 2nd (come to the opening from 8-11pm--it will be an amazing night).

following in this creative thread, i am going to be a co-facilitating a three month workshop on the artists way through quiet mind yoga along with brandice rodgers where we will explore the connections between creative unblocking and yogic philosophy as a way to live your real life as beautifully and creatively as you do in your dreams.

and i have my art classes which are time-consuming and challenging and totally rewarding (i smile each day when i finally get to nova after my hour long commute because i am actually doing this, actually taking real concrete steps toward this big dream of mine that i can't even quite name but is pulling me closer and closer to something.)

and i am taking pictures (the ethopian family is flying me to atlanta this time for milkey's sister's wedding in november), and cooking healthy food (today i made this fusion green bean casserole/vegan mac and cheese thing that turned out pretty nicely) and keeping up my own yoga and writing practices and cleaning the house and practicing thai massage and spending time with loved ones.

i love it all but ohmygosh, it hit me this week just how much it feels like some times. its such a fine balance between fully enjoying everything i've created sometimes and then others feeling like it's caving in on me because i have spread myself too thin. i was feeling the latter on friday afternoon and it took many deep breaths, subbing restorative yoga and finally pizza and a beer from red rocks to come back to myself.

it was such a relief yesterday when my photo job canceled because of the rain and because i already had my zip car and spaworld groupon that was about to expire, i drove myself out to spa world and spent two incredible hours in the pools and saunas--just me and this body of mine and giving it some space to let its guard down for a while.

i think as a result of that (and tea at the o street mansion with adam and a chat with my incredibly wise friend cj--it was an amazing sunday) today i am centered and relaxed and i feel overwhelmed by the fullness of my life and how it continues to expand and attract the most amazing people and experiences but its from this vantage point that i can really consider the best ways to take care of myself--when i need to say no and when i need to push through and how to not feel guilty for taking time for myself.

the most important thing is living my life with joy. i know this but i forget it when i start to make my decisions based on obligations and what a "good person" should do and then i always suffer. but it never takes too long to come back, especially when i have a good practice, good friends and a dog like this one to hang out with.

thanks for reading this rambling posting! i am going to put up some pictures from kali and trace's wedding real soon. xoxo.

laguna azul.

2010-09-01T13:51:00.000-07:00

legend says that not only mermaids, but a two hundred meter long worm live at the bottom of this laguna in the northern jungles of peru. i dont know about all that but i do think its the closest thing to heaven on earth that i've seen.

avett brothers song from their great new album.

2010-09-01T11:09:00.000-07:00

summer and bluegrass are always such good friends.

rampage of appreciation.

2010-08-27T08:46:00.000-07:00

yolanda.

me with my godson kenneth! doesn't he have a wonderfully large head?

my host parents, utisch and magno.

i appreciate that i had a crew of happy, giggly people stay at my house last night on their way to start a road trip to canada. i appreciate the practice of thai massage. i appreciate that i get to teach yoga for a living and that it always leaves me feeling more grounded and energized. i appreciate my house (so beautiful and affordable), my housemates (so creative and warm), and my neighborhood (calm, connected, just the right amount of up-and-coming). i appreciate that i am getting better at telling the truth to myself and just feeling whatever i am feeling and knowing that there is a always a part of me that can just observe and love. i appreciation be present yoga pants. i appreciate pancakes with cream cheese and experimental banana syrup that turned out really well (one frozen banana + a touch of maple syrup + a little bit of water + cinnamon--all heated up). i appreciate my health and my family being so close all around me and my amazing friends and all of the travel and learning of my life. i appreciate learning how to go easier on myself and my loved ones and all of the resources that are out there to help me grow. i appreciate inspiration in all forms and being able to write it all down no matter what and there always being a way to feel better about something. i appreciate big bear hugs and fresh mango and summer rain storms. i appreciate that the weather is cooler these days and the cheese lady at the bloomingdale farmers market on sundays and bottling homemade kombucha and booking yet another ethiopian wedding and having a good cry and hot pink carnations in the italian wine carafe and this simple, beautiful evolving life that i am so privileged to live.

i am two classes into my fall semester of art exploration (i'm taking intro to drawing and design at nova) and feeling busy but grounded too. i think appreciation and simple pleasures have a lot to do with that and just the conscious choice to share my love and light as much as i can. i totally falter in that some days and get so judgmental and rigid about the silliest things like dishes in the sink. i used to think my practice was to get over that but these days i am just taking all the hard parts and knowing that it's part of a beautiful, rich life.

we all have so much to offer but its funny how the mind can cloud that. wherever you are, take a deep breath and know that it's totally okay to be imperfect and struggle with life because that's how we keep expanding. our job is just to get more flexible so we can break less when life bends.

take another deep breath and know that i love you!

first peru pics...kids and cuy

2010-08-25T08:52:00.000-07:00

"drink it in--it always goes down smooth."

2010-08-11T12:34:00.000-07:00

i'm excited for trip to san diego this weekend for my friends kali and trace's wedding. in the meantime i am teaching up a storm, editing the last of the wedding photos and made some killer zucchini bread today. it's warm outside but the window unit is blaring and i'm feeling pretty good.

a few good quotes.

2010-08-09T07:49:00.001-07:00

i have been getting these peace quotes for a while and sometimes they are kind of eh, but the past week has yielded some great ones (i also included a few that i've kept starred for a while now).

In practicing meditation, we're not trying to live up to some kind of ideal- quite the opposite. We're just being with our experience, whatever it is. If our experience is that sometimes we have some kind of perspective, and sometimes we have none, then that's our experience. If sometimes we can approach what scares us, and sometimes we absolutely can't, then that's our experience.
- Pema Chodron

Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring two pence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it.
- C.S. Lewis

The ancients are right: the dear old human experience is a singular, difficult, shadowed, brilliant experience that does not resolve into being comfortable in the world. The valley of the shadow is part of that, and you are depriving yourself if you do not experience what human kind has experienced, including doubt and sorrow. We experience pain and difficulty as failure instead of saying, I will pass through this, everyone I have ever admired has passed through this, music has come out of it, literature has come out of it. We should think of our humanity as a privilege.
- Marilynne Robinson

I've come to what I call the "ingredients for a satisfying life." They are:
1) Dedicate your life to something you consider worthy.
2) Celebrate your contributions.
3) Have That Which Animates you as your most intimate relationship.
4) Know how to give your attention to what you choose.
5) Keep your word to yourself.
- Cheri Huber

Expect nothing. Live frugally on surprise.
- Alice Walker